New Response Models for Snakes

New Response Models for Snakes

An Analysis of US Law Enforcement Agencies Upon Encountering a "Venomous Snake" Within Their Jurisdiction:

1. FBI - Searches for, but cannot locate the snake. After the snake is caught by local police, the FBI forms a Snake Task Force of 150 agents, sets up a command center, holds a press conference, and takes credit for capturing the snake. Upon taking credit, the impressive command post is packed up and the FBI task force returns to their office to await another large event to take credit for...In the mean time, FBI management requests 4,000 more e agents to combat snake activity associated with terrorism.

2. US Secret Service - Forms a protective ring of agents around the snake and escorts it to a safe area.

3. ATF - Sends SRT team to arrest the snake. They expend all of their ammo, then burn the forest down, killing the snake, and everything else in the forest. At a Congressional inquiry, they make a presentation of why additional funding is required to properly train agents to battle the threat of snakes. The only questions asked by ATF management after the operation is whether or not there was a proper operational plan in place, if the plan was followed, and who can take the fall for anything that went wrong.

4. TSA - Abiding by a Congressional ruling to prevent "profiling" venomous snakes, the TSA makes random inspections. Venomous snakes are regularly allowed to pass while TSA officials strip search a family of squirrels.

5. IRS-CID - Performs an in-depth investigation of the snake and writes a 100-page summary of why the snake should not be prosecuted. The investigation is closed and all agents are out of the office by 4:30pm.

6. ICE - After obtaining permission from the BPA, CBP, FBI, FPS, IRS, FINCEN, DEA, ATF, FAMS, FEMA, and the Girl Scouts of America, they mail the snake a notice to appear on a specified date for a status hearing. The snake never responds and is promptly forgotten.

7. DEA - Initiates a Title 3 and an MLAT investigation on the snake's cell phone after discovering that the above-listed agencies have begun an investigation on the snake. DEA spends $3 million to discover the snake is not Colombian...

8. U.S. Attorney's Office - Declines prosecution out of "professional courtesy."

9. USBP (Border Patrol) - Captures the snake. Their inability to communicate with the snake results in a recruitment drive for snake handlers. They take the snake back to the border (for the 40th time).

10. US Forest Service - They have meeting after meeting. Management wrings their hands and decide to deny any existence of the snake on public lands. All agents are ordered to Washington to prevent any sighting of the snake. All agents are ordered to refer to the snakes as "legal reptiles."

11. Local Police Officer - Shoots the snake after "accidentally" driving over it several times. The officer then puts the snake in a County Deputy's car while it is parked outside the nearest Starbucks.

Breaking News: Another Al-Queda Operative Caught

I wish I knew who to credit for this brilliant piece of work. I got it in email and felt the need to share it with the world...or, at least, the 5 people a day who stumble on this site. =o)

Romney's Reponse to McCain

In an effort to maintain his caricature status, Senator John McCain took a jab at Romney's stance on Immigration:

"In the case of Governor Romney, you know, maybe I should wait a couple of weeks and see if it changes, because it's changed in less than a year from his position before. And maybe his solution will be to get out his small-varmint gun and drive those Guatemalans off his lawn. I don't know."

While it hasn't received much coverage from the media, McCain gets "Mad Props" for being the first Presidential candidate to use the word "varmint" in a press conference. Not one to be upstaged (or out-crazied), Romey issued the following response:

I'm no doctor, but it's obvious to me that Romney should shift a little focus away from media grandstanding and get that hand checked out. It just doesn't look right.

Falwell's Shocking Confession

Monkey Fartz has an exclusive video confession that may cast a new light on Falwell's suspicious death.

Is there anything funnier than a beatboxing chimp? No.

Christian Alternative to the Theory of Evolution

Instructions for Handling a Hazardous Material: Woman

Does Breastfeeding Really NEED Instructions?

I believe that if you needed these instructions...you probably should not create offspring. In any event, it's worth a chuckle:



Original link.

What Fridges Look Like in Heaven

10 Sure Fire Ways to Increase Your Blog Traffic

1. Discover the cure for a serious disease (e.g. cancer, diabetes, erectile dysfunction, etc.) and release the details exclusively (and incrementally) on your blog.

2. Buy Google, Yahoo, and MSN and have ALL queries return your blog as the #1 pick.

3. Pact with Satan.

4. Instead of reporting the news...MAKE the news. (Note: In addition to #1 on this list, consider invading foreign countries on false pretenses...guaranteed traffic booster).

5. One Word: Manifesto.

6. Two Words: Free Porn

7. Create a blog-based religion and tell your followers that they will go to Hell unless they bring 10 new followers a day. (Note: This takes awhile to generate traffic, but the cumulative effect is awesome...and being a cult leader has its perks...until the very end.)

8. Create a blog dedicated to increasing blog traffic...despite having no experience, actionable advice, expertise, or tools.

9. Conduct a coup in a country with high per capita internet access, become a ruthless dictator, and order all citizens to access your blog daily or face the Death Squads.

10. Try to create interesting, original content that appeals to a wide audience....wait, that would never work. Just add porn!

Please share your ideas. There is a 99.9% probability your answers will be funnier...if not more useful.

What if Fox News Advertised Honestly?

Check out some of David Dees' other great work here.

Is Australia Evil? All Signs Point to "Yes".

Funny Sign
Originally uploaded by tharakan.

I believe this sign is definitive proof that people are finally opening their eyes to the fact that Australia must be watched.

Other MF exclusives on Evil Australia:

• Stingray Coverup
• Steve Irwin Conspiracy
• Australia's Tainted Spinach Plan
• Australia's Evil Koala Army
• Australia's Campaign of Deception
• Australians are Crafty
  

Top 10 Reasons Why Little Jimmy Believes in God

Top 10 reasons why kids believe in deities
Originally uploaded by cpurrin1.

1. Beings with supernatural Powers are, like, you know, totally awesome.

2. His parents would punish him if he didn't.

3. The priest in the funny closet says he's cute.

4. The Bible says so.

5. The Cub Scouts won't let him join if he doesn't.

6. It's easier to spell that Quetzalcoatl.

7. All his friends do.

8. How else can he explain the voices in his head?

9. His science teacher hasn't said otherwise.

10. It sure beats an eternity in Hell.

Screenshot of George W's Hotmail

Click on the picture below to enlarge:

Click here for the original link.

Gorm's Proverb Builder

Gorm--the Wired Viking--has a great proverb builder on his site. Check it out here. Below is an example of its pointy-headed wisdom:

"QUALITY BLOGGING AND WHITE RAVENS ARE RARELY SEEN."

Google Circa 1960

Courtesy of Fury.com

Mathematical Proof: Girls are Evil

Another classic from the MF Spam Department--whose motto is "It is always better to leverage the brilliant, hard work of others...than to create something on your own!"

Courtesy of: http://www.stacken.kth.se/lists/best-forestry/2001-05/jpg00000.jpg

Shameless Plug: Revolt Today

Fellow MF'ers,

It's rare that I recommend other blogs. It's a scientifically proven fact that most gnomes (and all bloggers) are self-centered and couldn't be buggered to praise any site other than their own.

That being said, I ran across a blog (within our own blogspot community) that I HAD to share: http://revolttoday.blogspot.com/

Ron W.'s site, Revolt Today, worth a look. It's the perfect mix of sharp political commentary and biting satire. Please check it out.

Note: This was not a paid endorsement...although donations are always welcome.

Classic: Difference Between Men and Women

Here is a classic that I just received from the crack MF email-spamming staff. Enjoy!

Antichrist...or Marketing Genius?

It is not often that Monkey Fartz has the opportunity to do a fact-based follow-up to a story…mostly due to laziness and the ease of simply making stories up. However, MF is happy to provide an update on "criminal-turn-Christ" Jose Luis de Jesus Miranda. Last year, MF broke the story on de Jesus' plan to "rebrand" his image (link) to gain market share in the competitive Crazy Religions segment. With Scientology and Kaballah both boasting big name celebrity support, de Jesus realized he had to "up his game" in order for the International Ministry of Growing Grace to remain competitive.

This former felon, who once claimed he was "integrated with the resurrected Christ himself" (link) is now claiming to be the Anti-Christ. While several reputable news sources are covering his recent shenanigans in Guatemala (link), MF is more interested in the specifics behind the recent repositioning of his "product".

The MF Research team believes it has uncovered why de Jesus selected "Antichrist" as his new persona du jour—Marketing 101. After extensive data gathering and analysis, it appears that the market the market is saturated with cult/religious leaders claiming to be the reincarnation of, or earthly representative for, Jesus (see chart below). Even the Buddha, the Dali Lama, and "Other" categories are covered by groups with stronger customer bases. However, the Antichrist market is completely open at this point (considering the other 2 are dead and whose titles were imposed posthumously). Further, research show that out of those polled*, 44% wanted a religion that had "no rules" (see below). After proclaiming himself the Antichrist, de Jesus claimed there was no such thing as sin…which is convenient considering his criminal history.

Say what you want about his sanity (and that of his followers), but you can't argue with charts.

*No actual people were polled in creating the charts.

MF Exclusive: Hillary Clinton's "Second Life" Headquarters

White House Easter Hunt: Cheney Style

(Washington, D.C.) In a Monkey Fartz EXCLUSIVE, the crack MF'er investigative journalism team believes they have uncovered photographic evidence of the Vice President's thwarted involvement with this year's White House Egg Hunt.

Reportedly, the Vice President was extremely disappointed when the event coordinator (and several Secret Service agents) respectfully declined his suggestions to make this year's event more "sportsmanlike".

Insiders report the Vice President sulked away, muttering "how the hell can you call something a 'hunt' without shotguns..."

What if O'Reilly and Coulter Spawned a Child?

The Monkey Fartz team of artists have developed a mug shot of what they thought the spawn of Bill O'Reilly and Ann Coulter would look like.

I believe this is the strongest argument for eugenics...ever.

"Sweet Jeebus!"

The Washington Post recently reportedthat a planned Holy Week display entitled "My Sweet Lord" was canceled due to outrage from Cardinal Edward Eagan, Catholics...and diabetics.

Cardinal Eagan described the display--a six-foot, "anatomically correct" Christ sculpted from chocolate--as "sickening" and strong-armed the gallery to immediately remove the exhibit.

While the claim of being "anatomically correct" is dubious, photos suggest that the artist was fairly generous considering the complete lack of historical or biblical evidence.

There have been much more reputable sources that have expressed outrage over the obvious issues of freedom of expression, religious intolerance, and the New York ban on trans-fats. I view this as yet another example of how out of touch the Catholic Church has become.

It's been awhile since I've crossed the threshold of a Church (due to a fear of lightning strikes), but I seem to remember a ritual where we celebrated eating the "body of Christ" with small, tasteless wafers. I'm not suggesting that communing with Our Lord needs to be an epicurean delight...but maybe the artist is on to something.

Who wouldn't prefer breaking off a chocolately-piece of the Savior while celebrating one of the Sacraments? I guess it is ok for the Virgin Mary to appear on a pancake, but God forbid displaying a naked Jesus made out of chocolate!

O'Reilly Beats Up a "Girl"

Monkey Fartz has had a long-standing love affair with conservative talking head Bill O'Reilly (Link to Past MF Coverage). This "affair" is not based on agreeing with ANY of his beliefs or even the slightest bit of respect for him as a journalist or human being. Rather, Mr. Bill never fails to provide fodder for lazy gnomish bloggers such as myself.

Bill has bravely taken on college cartoonists, 9/11 conspiracy theorists, journalists with opposing views, and countless celebrities--all worthy adversaries of this self-appointed king of right-thinking. Based on the video above, it looks like Bill is upping his Crazy Game by verbally abusing a decorated war veteran.

Maybe Bill is getting a little jealous of the media coverage received by the Peroxide-Poisoned Coulter. Keep up the good fight, Bill!

Video: ABCs of Sex Education for Trainables

Any of you "long term" MF'ers (Monkey Farters) should know that our primary goal is to provide fair and balanced content that is sensitive to all races, religions, political leanings, genders, and the mentally/physically handicapped.

Made in the 1960s, this video is an excellent reminder of the heroic made by an often overlooked section of the civil/human rights movement. While equal rights amongst races got most of the press, a brave few were fighting for those who society overlooked and locked-away. Thumbing their noses at the supporters of eugenics, this group was dedicated to teaching "trainables" how to GET IT ON.

Gnome-Napper Nabbed!

Monkey Fartz is happy to report that the mastermind (and her accomplice) behind over 30 gnome-nappings has finally been apprehended after an 18-month man hunt (link to real article). According to the article, Alloa Sheriff Court heard that the mother-of-three was arrested along with friend Ann McCallum, of Delphwood Crescent, also Tullibody, following an 11-day undercover operation involving officers from both Central Scotland CID and the force's tactical crime unit. While it is a blessing that 30 innocent gnomes will be given an opportunity to return to their lives, friends, families, and loved ones; who know how many more fell victim to the seedy (pun intended) underground trade of gnome-trafficking. Stenhouse and McCallum are reporting trying to strike a plea deal with local prosecutors in return for information that could lead to further gnome rescues. For the time-being, all we can do is rejoice for the saved and pray for those lost souls still toiling in unknown/unfriendly gardens.

Monkey Fartz Secures Prestigious Search Engine #1 Spots

Here are the new topics where Monkey Fartz is the #1 Listing! Click to verify: Evil Ann Koala Army Crazy Religions Evil Australia Secret Australian Cyborg Advantair Airplanes Gravity is a Bitch Soul Aid Bandages Thanks for your support! We'll try to keep setting the standard...

Could a Scientologist Really Pull Off an Anti-Nazi Role?

"Thetans BE GONE!"

Last week, it was announced that outspoken Scientology advocate Tom Cruis would play Col. Claus Schenk von Stauffenberg in an upcoming United Artists project featuring the failed assassination plot against Adolf Hitler Fuhrer. Everyone hates Hitler, right...and who else better to play the role of Hitler's would-be assassin than someone who has bested aliens, Russian pilots, terrorists, Thetans, the pharmaceutical cartel, and intolerance against fake religions? According to The Guardian (link to real news article) not everyone is pleased with the selection of Cruis for the von Stauffenberg role. The German war hero's family, which is Catholic, is concerned that Cruise could somehow use the film to promote Scientology. Despite my thorough research and coverage of Scientology (link to fake news articles), I am struggling to see how this film (which I am assuming will paint the Nazis in a less-than-favorable light) could be used as a platform to promote Scientology's agenda. In fact, it can only serve to expose some of the "church's" more fascist practices as...well...fascist. If you're new to the Internet, or just need a reminder, here are some of the highlights of the Scientology gag reel (link for more detail): Battling Free Speech Locking People Up Against Their Own Will String of Well-Documented Criminal Activities (link) Framing It's Critics (link) Disolving the Family Structure (link) Grass-Roots Defamation of Critics (link) Go Here or Here for more... Hmmm...what other group used these tactics (answer: Nazis)? Von Stauffenbergs: I wouldn't worry about Cruise promoting Scientology with this movie. Also, as Catholics, I wouldn't spend too much time pointing fingers at oppressive Churches that use their influence to promote their own agendas. I'm just sayin'...

The "Dookie" of Windsor