Breaking News: Another Al-Queda Operative Caught

I wish I knew who to credit for this brilliant piece of work. I got it in email and felt the need to share it with the world...or, at least, the 5 people a day who stumble on this site. =o)

Romney's Reponse to McCain

In an effort to maintain his caricature status, Senator John McCain took a jab at Romney's stance on Immigration:

"In the case of Governor Romney, you know, maybe I should wait a couple of weeks and see if it changes, because it's changed in less than a year from his position before. And maybe his solution will be to get out his small-varmint gun and drive those Guatemalans off his lawn. I don't know."

While it hasn't received much coverage from the media, McCain gets "Mad Props" for being the first Presidential candidate to use the word "varmint" in a press conference. Not one to be upstaged (or out-crazied), Romey issued the following response:

I'm no doctor, but it's obvious to me that Romney should shift a little focus away from media grandstanding and get that hand checked out. It just doesn't look right.

Instructions for Handling a Hazardous Material: Woman

What if Fox News Advertised Honestly?

Check out some of David Dees' other great work here.

Screenshot of George W's Hotmail

Click on the picture below to enlarge:

Click here for the original link.

MF Exclusive: Hillary Clinton's "Second Life" Headquarters

White House Easter Hunt: Cheney Style

(Washington, D.C.) In a Monkey Fartz EXCLUSIVE, the crack MF'er investigative journalism team believes they have uncovered photographic evidence of the Vice President's thwarted involvement with this year's White House Egg Hunt.

Reportedly, the Vice President was extremely disappointed when the event coordinator (and several Secret Service agents) respectfully declined his suggestions to make this year's event more "sportsmanlike".

Insiders report the Vice President sulked away, muttering "how the hell can you call something a 'hunt' without shotguns..."

What if O'Reilly and Coulter Spawned a Child?

The Monkey Fartz team of artists have developed a mug shot of what they thought the spawn of Bill O'Reilly and Ann Coulter would look like.

I believe this is the strongest argument for eugenics...ever.

Definitions of Political Correctness

Another great definition from our friends at glocktalk.com:

"Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical, liberal minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

Kill Knut. Save the World (trademark pending)

“Save the polar bears—Kill Knut.”(trademark pending) While I’d buy a t-shirt with that slogan in a heartbeat , any rational (non-German) animal rights activist should find such a mantra reprehensible, right? Apparently not. While Cuddly Knut may have touched the hearts of millions worldwide and is apparently thriving in captivity, it has been widely publicized that the German animal rights activist, Frank Albrecht, has called for the orphaned polar bear cub’s immediate execution (link). Though healthy, happy, and in no threat of drowning due to global warming, Albrecht’s death sentence is based on Knut’s care representing a “gross violation of animal protection laws.”

This “kill ‘em to save ‘em” (trademark pending) philosophy seems to have precedent within the animal right community (link). In fact, PETA has a pretty respectable body count going with over 14,000 confirmed kills since 1998.

I have to admit that I am outraged. Why did it take a proposed hit on a cuddly polar bear cub and the rantings of a seemingly crazy German to show me the commitment these groups actually have? Anyone can file lawsuits and wage media campaigns against zoos and pharmaceutical companies guilty of animal abuse. It takes a REAL animal lover to exterminate thousands of would-be family companions and refuge-protected endangered species!

Perhaps Albrecht’s (and PETA’s) plan should be considered for other socially-sensitive areas: foster care, orphanages, mental institutions, prisons…really, the possibilities are endless. Consider how many orphans, criminals, mentally/physically disabled could be spared the traumas of captivity by merciful euthanizing.

But maybe I am being too ambitious and ignoring the immediate opportunity. We can’t change the world overnight, but we can start with a 19 lb. cub. “Kill Knut. Save the World (trademark pending)”.

The Truth Behind Hillary and Falwell

International Implications of Kimchi Abuse

Was it REALLY a nuclear blast? I think this is a more plausible explanation:

TOP SECRET GOP Cover-Up Document

At least Foley can follow THESE directions.

Australia's Evil Koala Army

This week, Australian scientists announced that they were ready to test a contraceptive that would curb a koala population explosion responsible for altering the local ecosystem. According to Forbes, a “device” would be inserted under the Koala’s skin in the same way vets install microchips in domestic pets (real article). Australia MAY be trying to balance the local ecosystem through humane methods. OR, more plausibly, perhaps this is a cover to developing an army of koalas that have been implanted with mind-control chips.

Monkey Fartz has led the charge on uncovering Australia’s evil desire for world domination. Between its cyborg army program (link), role in Steve Irwin’s death (link), stingray coverup (link), and possible contamination of the world’s spinach supply (link); is is so far-fetched to believe they are now building an Evil Koala Army to do their bidding. Look at the facts:

• Almost Every Zoo Has Several Koalas
• Koalas Are Native Only to Australia
• Scientists will be Implanting Koalas with Microchips
• Australia is evil and bent on world domination…

…ALL FACTS! We at Monkey Fartz submit that the Australian government is implanting and exporting mind-controlled koalas to create sleeper-cells around the world. Think about it. Who would expect a cute, fluffy koala of subversive paramilitary activity? Forewarned is forearmed. Keep a vigilant lookout for suspicious koalas. Your very liberty could depend on it.

Conspiracy Theories for Morons

Are you tired of "The Government", "The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy", and "Liberal Media" lying to you? Do you think that the world's affairs are run by a select group called the "Illuminati", "Bilderberg Group", "Trilateral Commission", or the Reptilians? Do you see evidence of cover-ups in even the most mundane events? If so, Conspiracy Theories for Morons may be the book for you. You, too can defy scientific and journalistic facts in favor of crazy, baseless claims. The 9/11 Conspiracy is childs play compared to what this book will help you create. Conspiracy Theories for Morons contains the following contents for would-be conspiracy theorists: Chapter One: Suspension of Disbelief--History of Conspiracy Theories Chapter Two: Use of Circular Logic Chapter Three: All Critics Must be Part of the Conspiracy Chapter Four: Misdirection and Outright Fabrications--They Use Them...Why Shouldn't You? Much, much more... Order now and get 25 FREE conspiracy templates (incl. the popular 9/11 was staged by the Bush Administration).

Hugo Chavez: The Voices Have Spoken

The Monkey Fartz foreign correspondent team recently polled the voices in Chavez' head. Initial results suggest that 8 out of 10 voices in his head also think he's crazy. The other two voices were unresponsive and just kept yelling "El que rompe, paga".

Bill O'Reilly's Not-So-Startling Confession

Another Monkey Fartz EXCLUSIVE! Bill O'Reilly's meds must have worn off for a true No Spin moment.

Bushism of the Week

Courtesy of About.Com:

"I like to tell people when the final history is written on Iraq, it will look like just a comma because there is -- my point is, there’s a strong will for democracy." --President Bush, in an interview with CNN's Wolf Blitzer

This Just In: Belgium Doesn't Exist

Zapatopi wants the world to finally be told the truth (full article here):

"The existence of the supposed European country of Belgium has been taken as gospel for years by members of the Liberati. It has long been held up as a shining example of Liberal philosophies in action. However, now is the time the truth be known. Belgium doesn't exist."

Go to the site, become informed, and fight the propaganda!

Intel Imagery Update: Caracas, Venezuela

Breaking News: TOP Secret Intel Imagery of Caracas Venezuela has been leaked to Monkey Fartz. Our informant insists "this intel update was DEFINITELY not at the request of a senior member of the Administration following Chavez' speech. The timing is TOTALLY coincidental...yeah."