Is there anything funnier than a beatboxing chimp? No.

Top 83 Signs You Have a Drinking Problem

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects. 2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth 3. Job interfering with your drinking. 4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. 5. Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusettes. 6. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. 7. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group. 8. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not! 9. Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem! 10. "Norm!" is what they say when you enter the bar. 11. When you can focus better with one eye closed 12. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar 13. Every woman you see has an exact twin. 14. You wake up to find Windows 95 installed on your machine. 15. If you keep asking your wife "where are the kids?", but you don't really have a wife and you're talking to the refridgerator. 16. You fall off the floor. 17. You discover in the morning liquid cleaning supplies have disappeared. 18. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops. 19. Had "Spuds McKenzie" tattoo removed, replaced it with "Red Dog." 20. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner! 21. Beer: it's not just for breakfast anymore. 22. The glass keeps missing your mouth. 23. Bill Clinton starts to make sense. 24. When you go to donate blood and they ask what proof? 25. Vampires get woozy after bitting you. 26. The only drinking problem is not having a drink right now. 27. At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..." 28. Your idea of cutting back is less seltzer. 29. When vomiting becomes a relief. 30. Having a hard time staying on the side walk - left, right, stumble, fall 31. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom. 32. Barney, that dinosaur is damned funny! 33. You think, Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women. 34. Every night you're beginning to find your roomate's cat more attractive. 35. Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol. 36. Waking up with a traffic cone between your legs. 37. No ocifer, I'm not drunk... you're just sober... 38. Problem? I Drink, I get Drunk, I Fall down....No Problem 39. If on a diet, you cut back your food calories to allow for alcohol calories. 40. Take me drunk, I'm home! 41. The bottle's empty...that's the problem! 42. Find yourself as the captain for the Exxon Valdez. 43. You wake up naked lying in the corner of a bus depot. 44. Roseanne looks good. 45. Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of bottle. 46. You drink to get over a hangover. 47. That damned pink elephant followed me home again. 48. You are the proud owner of a porcelain bus driver's liscense. 49. The Whisky Ain't Working Anymore. 50. Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you. 51. You have a reserved parking space at the A&P. 52. I'm as jober as a sudge! 53. You consider yourself a workaholic, becuase every time you go to work, you want to have a beer! 54. I slept with that damned pink elephant again. 55. Mosquitoes spiral down to the ground in circles after biting you. 56. Rumsfeld.... he's soooo sexy. 57. You find yourself in a room on a train arriving in Tiajuana and the last thing you remember is being in a bar in NYC! 58. Your name is Ted Kennedy. 59. You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the Fourth of July party in Waikiki. 60. Red dog upside down looks like batman eating a catwoman. 61. You've fallen and you can't/(don't want to) get up. 62. You don't drink. (That's a problem!) 63. when hangovers become an attractive alternative lifestyle. 64. BeerTender! Get me another Bar! 65. Boris Yeltsin tries to get you to join AA. 66. The shrubbery's drunk from frequent watering. 67. Do you take this woman..... 68. You wake up too groggy to come up with anything funny for this damn list. 69. You realize you have shaved your head except for a little rat tail hanging from the top and you're pestering people to buy incense & crap. 70. Your only friends are Jack, Johnnie, and Jose. 71. Double vision so much the norm, you can't function w/o it. 72. You listen to the radio and start dancing to hootie and the blowfish. 73. Because you're not as think you are drunk I am... 74. salt, sugar, grease, carbohydrates - yes, alcohol is the fifth food group. 75. Your favorite drink is ethanol. 76. Why does everybody think I have a prinking droblem?! 77. You can't remember what your family looks like... or if you have a family. 78. You wake up surrounded by 50 dented cases of SPAM. 79. You like SPAM. 80. You get defensive when someone asks if you have drinking problem. 81. Haven't stopped drinking since Carter got elected. 82. I don't have a drinking prob..pleb..prub.. Pash me another, tarbender. 83. You spend a whole night holding up walls to prevent their (your) collapse.

Classic: 5 Stages of Drunkeness

In our continuing coverage of classic spam humor... Stage 1 - SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART. Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people want you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they want you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun. Stage 3 - RICH This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you will win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet because s you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world. Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway! Stage 5 - INVISIBLE This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.