Antichrist...or Marketing Genius?

It is not often that Monkey Fartz has the opportunity to do a fact-based follow-up to a story…mostly due to laziness and the ease of simply making stories up. However, MF is happy to provide an update on "criminal-turn-Christ" Jose Luis de Jesus Miranda. Last year, MF broke the story on de Jesus' plan to "rebrand" his image (link) to gain market share in the competitive Crazy Religions segment. With Scientology and Kaballah both boasting big name celebrity support, de Jesus realized he had to "up his game" in order for the International Ministry of Growing Grace to remain competitive.

This former felon, who once claimed he was "integrated with the resurrected Christ himself" (link) is now claiming to be the Anti-Christ. While several reputable news sources are covering his recent shenanigans in Guatemala (link), MF is more interested in the specifics behind the recent repositioning of his "product".

The MF Research team believes it has uncovered why de Jesus selected "Antichrist" as his new persona du jour—Marketing 101. After extensive data gathering and analysis, it appears that the market the market is saturated with cult/religious leaders claiming to be the reincarnation of, or earthly representative for, Jesus (see chart below). Even the Buddha, the Dali Lama, and "Other" categories are covered by groups with stronger customer bases. However, the Antichrist market is completely open at this point (considering the other 2 are dead and whose titles were imposed posthumously). Further, research show that out of those polled*, 44% wanted a religion that had "no rules" (see below). After proclaiming himself the Antichrist, de Jesus claimed there was no such thing as sin…which is convenient considering his criminal history.

Say what you want about his sanity (and that of his followers), but you can't argue with charts.

*No actual people were polled in creating the charts.

Jehovah: God or ET

Ever wonder if Jehovah was God...or a little green alien from outer space that came to Earth to teach the primitives values and create a hybrid primate-alien that turned into US? If so, the following ad is for you (oh, and seek psychiatric help, please):

If you respond to this ad, please don't reproduce.

Kabbalah: Summary of Craziness

Summary of Craziness (in response to criticism about this post):

• Klippot (Blockages): Everyone has a direct and clear connection to the upper metaphysical world of the "Light", but that this channel is blocked by Klipot.
  I am surprised that the Church of Scientology hasn't sued the Kabbalah Center...this sounds like those pesky Thetans.
  
• Strong Belief in Astrology and Zodiac. 1970 called, they want their New Age bullshit back.
  
• Claims Jesus was a Kabbalahist. I thought the Jews didn't recognize Jeebus as the Messiah. So why would him being a Kabbalahist be a selling point?
  
• All Religions have their roots in the Kabbalah. I think this one is acctualy spot-on. The Kabbalah is based on the belief that people are stupid enough to believe anything...as long as it makes them feel more special than other people.
  
• Sell Kabbalah Mountain Spring Water (link). What use is a religion if you can't make money off it?
  
• Claim: "Just to tell you another thing about the six million Jews that were killed in the Holocaust: the question was that the Light was blocked. They didn't use Kabbalah." (link). Yes...the light was blocked. Funny, I never used Kabbalah and NO ONE has ever asked me to 'get on ze train'.
• Video: The Power of Kabbalah (link)
• Video: Kaballah, Science, and the Perception of Reality (link)

Kabbalah may be based in legitimate Jewish mysticism, but that's not what the Kabbalah Center is peddling. The fact it's attractive to so many flakey celebrities shows it is merely repackaged New Age shite that is easy for the shallow and ignorant to put in their personal voids.

Kabbalah and Silly Bitches

The Setup: According to The Mirror (link), fake-religion Kabbalah is not superficial enough for "heir-head" Paris Hilton. In a recent class, Paris was asked to describe a depply spiritual experience. She is reported to have told a story about a "hot guy" (article).

My Take: I will admit that I don't know much about the Kabbalah, but I DO know that it appears to attract silly bitches. Here's a partial list of some famous followers that I think share a common theme (courtesy of wikipedia):

• Madonna
• Paris Hilton
• Roseanne Barr
• Naomi Campbell
• Goldie Hawn
  
• Lucy Liu
• Lindsay Lohan
• Courtney Love
• Brittany Murphy
• Britney Spears
• Winona Ryder

So from my initial research, I have to assume that Kabbalah is a spiritual belief system that appeals to whores, drug addicts, vacuous model, horrible comediennes, has-been actresses, horrible/fake singers/dancers, and sexy Asians. I'm compelled to do more research as it is apparent to me that Kabbalah may be even crazier than Scientology.

Man Claiming to be Jesus is Rethinking his Strategy

Dallas-Fort Worth’s CBS News 11 reports that a South Florida man (Jose Luis de Jesus Miranda) is claiming to be Jesus and “the Son of God” (video link).

This self-proclaimed ‘Son of God’ is a 60-year-old former heroin addict and convict. The divorced father of four was born in Puerto Rico and now lives in South Florida with his second wife and three Rolexes (link).

The Drug Addict Turned Messiah reportedly stated that “the gig was sweet until this whole Muslim thing. What I meant to say is that I am…umm…who’s that Chinese guy? Buddha…yeah, I am Buddha reincarnated.” De Jesus-Buddha was not available for comment due to a “Re-branding Makeover”

Joke: The Politics of Inflatable Dolls

A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"

Customer says, "Female"

Counter guy asks, "Black or white?"

Customer says, "White"

Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"

Customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"

Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up!"

Alternate Punchline #1: "The Muslim one has responds to criticisms of its religion through violence and the murder of innocents and non-combatants."

In the Market for a NEW Crazy Religion? Try Scientology

In an effort to expand the scope of Monkey Fartz’s offensiveness, I thought I’d take a stab at Scientology. As a reformed Catholic (and current Pastafarian), I thought I was numbed to crazy dogma. In the 10 minutes it took be to “research” Scientology, I found out I could still be surprised at how well religions sell crazy. So, if you’re looking for a crazy religion…why not give Scientology a whirl?



Central Tennets (from Wikipedia):

• A person is an immortal spiritual being (termed a thetan) who possesses a mind and a body.
• The thetan has lived through many past lives and will continue to live beyond the death of the body.
• Through the Scientology process of "auditing", one can free oneself of "engrams" and "implants" to reach the state of "Clear", and after that, the state of "Operating Thetan". Each state is said to represent recovering the native spiritual abilities of the individual, and to confer dramatic mental and physical benefits.
• A person is basically good, but becomes "aberrated" by moments of pain and unconsciousness in his or her life.
• What is true for you is what you have observed yourself. No beliefs should be forced as "true" on anyone. Thus, the tenets of Scientology are expected to be tested and seen to either be true or not by Scientology practitioners.
• Psychiatry and psychology are evil and abusive.

Wow. Judging from how accepting the Church of Scientology is of criticism...wait...is that a black helicopter outside of my window...

Some Interesting Scientology Resources:

• Operation Clambake (Undressesing the Church of Scientology)—Link
  
• Cost of Scientology—Links 1 2
• CoS Front Organizations—Link
• Comparative Look at Scientology—Link