Falwell's Shocking Confession

Monkey Fartz has an exclusive video confession that may cast a new light on Falwell's suspicious death.

Christian Alternative to the Theory of Evolution

10 Sure Fire Ways to Increase Your Blog Traffic

1. Discover the cure for a serious disease (e.g. cancer, diabetes, erectile dysfunction, etc.) and release the details exclusively (and incrementally) on your blog.

2. Buy Google, Yahoo, and MSN and have ALL queries return your blog as the #1 pick.

3. Pact with Satan.

4. Instead of reporting the news...MAKE the news. (Note: In addition to #1 on this list, consider invading foreign countries on false pretenses...guaranteed traffic booster).

5. One Word: Manifesto.

6. Two Words: Free Porn

7. Create a blog-based religion and tell your followers that they will go to Hell unless they bring 10 new followers a day. (Note: This takes awhile to generate traffic, but the cumulative effect is awesome...and being a cult leader has its perks...until the very end.)

8. Create a blog dedicated to increasing blog traffic...despite having no experience, actionable advice, expertise, or tools.

9. Conduct a coup in a country with high per capita internet access, become a ruthless dictator, and order all citizens to access your blog daily or face the Death Squads.

10. Try to create interesting, original content that appeals to a wide audience....wait, that would never work. Just add porn!

Please share your ideas. There is a 99.9% probability your answers will be funnier...if not more useful.

Is Australia Evil? All Signs Point to "Yes".

Funny Sign
Originally uploaded by tharakan.

I believe this sign is definitive proof that people are finally opening their eyes to the fact that Australia must be watched.

Other MF exclusives on Evil Australia:

• Stingray Coverup
• Steve Irwin Conspiracy
• Australia's Tainted Spinach Plan
• Australia's Evil Koala Army
• Australia's Campaign of Deception
• Australians are Crafty
  

Google Circa 1960

Courtesy of Fury.com

Antichrist...or Marketing Genius?

It is not often that Monkey Fartz has the opportunity to do a fact-based follow-up to a story…mostly due to laziness and the ease of simply making stories up. However, MF is happy to provide an update on "criminal-turn-Christ" Jose Luis de Jesus Miranda. Last year, MF broke the story on de Jesus' plan to "rebrand" his image (link) to gain market share in the competitive Crazy Religions segment. With Scientology and Kaballah both boasting big name celebrity support, de Jesus realized he had to "up his game" in order for the International Ministry of Growing Grace to remain competitive.

This former felon, who once claimed he was "integrated with the resurrected Christ himself" (link) is now claiming to be the Anti-Christ. While several reputable news sources are covering his recent shenanigans in Guatemala (link), MF is more interested in the specifics behind the recent repositioning of his "product".

The MF Research team believes it has uncovered why de Jesus selected "Antichrist" as his new persona du jour—Marketing 101. After extensive data gathering and analysis, it appears that the market the market is saturated with cult/religious leaders claiming to be the reincarnation of, or earthly representative for, Jesus (see chart below). Even the Buddha, the Dali Lama, and "Other" categories are covered by groups with stronger customer bases. However, the Antichrist market is completely open at this point (considering the other 2 are dead and whose titles were imposed posthumously). Further, research show that out of those polled*, 44% wanted a religion that had "no rules" (see below). After proclaiming himself the Antichrist, de Jesus claimed there was no such thing as sin…which is convenient considering his criminal history.

Say what you want about his sanity (and that of his followers), but you can't argue with charts.

*No actual people were polled in creating the charts.

Landing Gear: Required Equipment or Unecessary Cost?

Today in Fort Lauderdale a small, twin engine plane made a fatality-free landing after it's landing gear (well...half of it) had fallen off mid-flight (real story). The crew and passengers, shaken and in need of immediate dry-cleaning services, were able to walk away from the landing unaided. While not available for comment, Advantair (the manufacturer of the P-180) is rumored to be considering a budget version of the aircraft that does not feature the "redundant" left wheel. Industry insiders suggest interest from Jet Blue as an additional cost-cutting measure.

Secrets the Illuminati Don't Want You to Know!

Curious about Hedonic Engineering or Guerilla Ontology? Need an answer to you child's question on "Why God made us?" Have science, logic, rational thought, and even basic common sense provided you with little comfort and fewer answers? If you (or the voices in your head) answered "yes" to any of the questions above, then "The Illuminati Papers" is the book for you! Painstakingly researched and written medication-free, this book holds the answers to many questions sane people have never even considered. As an added bonus, the first 100 (non-reptilian) customers will receive a FREE tin foil hat. Try before you buy here.

Gillette Targeted Babies

Forget about Big Tobacco. Where is the outrage at Gillette's obvious marketing at babies. It's a statistical fact that over 75% of all males alive at the time of this campaign started shaving around 13-14 years of age (two years younger than the average starting age of smokers in the same time period). Is this a coincidence? First, the personal shaving cartel targeted kids. In recent years they have been systematically increasing the number of blades. Where will this madness end?

Coffins with Baseball Logos

The Kansas City Star has reported that many crazed baseball fans have said they would die for a championship. But are they willing to take that devotion to the grave? Major League Baseball and a company that makes funeral products will soon find out just how many fans want to be decked out for all eternity in tribute to their team. (Real Article) Monkey Fartz has an exclusive photo of the Yankees' prototype coffin. Too soon?

Kim Jong-Il: "Hey! We're Still a Threat!"

Refusing to be upstaged on the world's Top Ten Threats list by Iraq, Al Queda, the Taliban, Iran, Chavez, and E Coli-tainted vegetables; North Korea has ALLEGEDLY conducted an underground test of a nuclear device. While most analysts believe this is an attempt to resume unilateral talks with the US, North Korean Entertainment insiders believe this may be a press stunt to publicize Kim Jong-Il's new album: "Hey! We're Still a Threat!" Details are sparce on this upcoming release, but rumors suggest it's a smooth miz of Korean R&B, Hip-Hop, and traditional Chong-Ak. Tracks Reportedly Include: 1) Word to my Commies 2) Rads and Ho's 3) Get Your Nuke On (featuring DJ Song-Park) 4) Best Thang Nukin' 5) Kim Jong Illin'

GOD NAMES NEXT "CHOSEN PEOPLE"; IT'S JEWS AGAIN

"Oh Shit," Say Jews

In honor of the Jewish High Holy Days, this piece was resurrected from SatireWire. Enjoy!

"Jews, whose troubled, 10,000-year term as God's 'chosen people' finally expired last night, woke up this morning to find that they had once again been hand-picked by the Almighty. Synagogues across the globe declared a day of mourning." (Read More)

Tony Blair's Replacement?

Britain's Prime Minister Tony Blair has been pretty tight-lipped over his successor (real news) While his public answer has been that he's too busy running the country to engage in petty politics, I think there's a much more plausible answer: The US hasn't told Blair who the successor is yet. The delay is likely due to the difficulty in building a real cybrog. While Australia has apparently perfected the technology, they haven't been forthcoming in sharing it. The picture to the left is based on descriptions provided by inside sources. Is the US building a Maggie Thatcher cyborg to replace Tony Blair? I guess only time will tell.

The Bush Gang

"Out here, 'due process' is a bullet." ~John Wayne

Cheney to Chavez: "Bush Isn't Satan...I AM!"

Venezvuela's (where?) President Huga Chavez lost his mind Wednesday during his address to the United Nations (video). During his speech, he repeatedly referred to President Bush as "The Devil". Fueled by the initial laughs, he went on to rant that he still smelled the sulfur and brimstone. Click here for the full diatribe. The media has had some fun with this story, so you've probably heard all of this already...and even the Administration's official response (link). What hasn't been covered by the "REAL" news is the Vice President's response. Dick has been silent to the Press, but insiders report that he's both outraged and a little hurt by the statements contending that "Bush isn't Satan...I AM. Everyone knows that, right?!?" Cheney was unavailable for comment but is reportedly back in Hell with Rumsfeld trying to regroup.

Breaking News: Pope's To Do List

Vatican Astronomer: “I broke up with THEM first.”

On August 19th, Monkey Fartz reported that Jesuit Father George Coyne was dumped by Pope Benedict XVI over differences of opinion regarding the Vatican’s position on Intelligent Design (link). In a written statement submitted on September 8th, Father Coyne contends that he was going to break up with the Vatican ANYWAY but didn’t want to do it during the August Holy Days (link)…which are always a tough time to break up.

The Vatican has not commented, but quickly jumped in to what many insiders are calling a “Rebound Astronomer”, Dr. Jose Gabriel Funes (link). “This guy GETS me,” Pope Benedict XVI is reported to have said, “He’s not always challenging me with that ‘science’ nonsense.”

James T. Kirk on Motivation

Not motivated yet? Click here for more!