New Response Models for Snakes

New Response Models for Snakes

An Analysis of US Law Enforcement Agencies Upon Encountering a "Venomous Snake" Within Their Jurisdiction:

1. FBI - Searches for, but cannot locate the snake. After the snake is caught by local police, the FBI forms a Snake Task Force of 150 agents, sets up a command center, holds a press conference, and takes credit for capturing the snake. Upon taking credit, the impressive command post is packed up and the FBI task force returns to their office to await another large event to take credit for...In the mean time, FBI management requests 4,000 more e agents to combat snake activity associated with terrorism.

2. US Secret Service - Forms a protective ring of agents around the snake and escorts it to a safe area.

3. ATF - Sends SRT team to arrest the snake. They expend all of their ammo, then burn the forest down, killing the snake, and everything else in the forest. At a Congressional inquiry, they make a presentation of why additional funding is required to properly train agents to battle the threat of snakes. The only questions asked by ATF management after the operation is whether or not there was a proper operational plan in place, if the plan was followed, and who can take the fall for anything that went wrong.

4. TSA - Abiding by a Congressional ruling to prevent "profiling" venomous snakes, the TSA makes random inspections. Venomous snakes are regularly allowed to pass while TSA officials strip search a family of squirrels.

5. IRS-CID - Performs an in-depth investigation of the snake and writes a 100-page summary of why the snake should not be prosecuted. The investigation is closed and all agents are out of the office by 4:30pm.

6. ICE - After obtaining permission from the BPA, CBP, FBI, FPS, IRS, FINCEN, DEA, ATF, FAMS, FEMA, and the Girl Scouts of America, they mail the snake a notice to appear on a specified date for a status hearing. The snake never responds and is promptly forgotten.

7. DEA - Initiates a Title 3 and an MLAT investigation on the snake's cell phone after discovering that the above-listed agencies have begun an investigation on the snake. DEA spends $3 million to discover the snake is not Colombian...

8. U.S. Attorney's Office - Declines prosecution out of "professional courtesy."

9. USBP (Border Patrol) - Captures the snake. Their inability to communicate with the snake results in a recruitment drive for snake handlers. They take the snake back to the border (for the 40th time).

10. US Forest Service - They have meeting after meeting. Management wrings their hands and decide to deny any existence of the snake on public lands. All agents are ordered to Washington to prevent any sighting of the snake. All agents are ordered to refer to the snakes as "legal reptiles."

11. Local Police Officer - Shoots the snake after "accidentally" driving over it several times. The officer then puts the snake in a County Deputy's car while it is parked outside the nearest Starbucks.

Breaking News: Another Al-Queda Operative Caught

I wish I knew who to credit for this brilliant piece of work. I got it in email and felt the need to share it with the world...or, at least, the 5 people a day who stumble on this site. =o)

Romney's Reponse to McCain

In an effort to maintain his caricature status, Senator John McCain took a jab at Romney's stance on Immigration:

"In the case of Governor Romney, you know, maybe I should wait a couple of weeks and see if it changes, because it's changed in less than a year from his position before. And maybe his solution will be to get out his small-varmint gun and drive those Guatemalans off his lawn. I don't know."

While it hasn't received much coverage from the media, McCain gets "Mad Props" for being the first Presidential candidate to use the word "varmint" in a press conference. Not one to be upstaged (or out-crazied), Romey issued the following response:

I'm no doctor, but it's obvious to me that Romney should shift a little focus away from media grandstanding and get that hand checked out. It just doesn't look right.

Falwell's Shocking Confession

Monkey Fartz has an exclusive video confession that may cast a new light on Falwell's suspicious death.

Christian Alternative to the Theory of Evolution

Instructions for Handling a Hazardous Material: Woman

Does Breastfeeding Really NEED Instructions?

I believe that if you needed these instructions...you probably should not create offspring. In any event, it's worth a chuckle:



Original link.

Top 10 Reasons Why Little Jimmy Believes in God

Top 10 reasons why kids believe in deities
Originally uploaded by cpurrin1.

1. Beings with supernatural Powers are, like, you know, totally awesome.

2. His parents would punish him if he didn't.

3. The priest in the funny closet says he's cute.

4. The Bible says so.

5. The Cub Scouts won't let him join if he doesn't.

6. It's easier to spell that Quetzalcoatl.

7. All his friends do.

8. How else can he explain the voices in his head?

9. His science teacher hasn't said otherwise.

10. It sure beats an eternity in Hell.

Gorm's Proverb Builder

Gorm--the Wired Viking--has a great proverb builder on his site. Check it out here. Below is an example of its pointy-headed wisdom:

"QUALITY BLOGGING AND WHITE RAVENS ARE RARELY SEEN."

Mathematical Proof: Girls are Evil

Another classic from the MF Spam Department--whose motto is "It is always better to leverage the brilliant, hard work of others...than to create something on your own!"

Courtesy of: http://www.stacken.kth.se/lists/best-forestry/2001-05/jpg00000.jpg

Classic: Difference Between Men and Women

Here is a classic that I just received from the crack MF email-spamming staff. Enjoy!

Letter from the CEO of Gillette: Corporate Strategy

Classic from the Onion (link):

CEO and President,
The Gillette Company

Would someone tell me how this happened? We were the fucking vanguard of shaving in this country. The Gillette Mach3 was the razor to own. Then the other guy came out with a three-blade razor. Were we scared? Hell, no. Because we hit back with a little thing called the Mach3Turbo. That's three blades and an aloe strip. For moisture. But you know what happened next? Shut up, I'm telling you what happened—the bastards went to four blades. Now we're standing around with our cocks in our hands, selling three blades and a strip. Moisture or no, suddenly we're the chumps. Well, fuck it. We're going to five blades.

Sure, we could go to four blades next, like the competition. That seems like the logical thing to do. After all, three worked out pretty well, and four is the next number after three. So let's play it safe. Let's make a thicker aloe strip and call it the Mach3SuperTurbo. Why innovate when we can follow? Oh, I know why: Because we're a business, that's why!

You think it's crazy? It is crazy. But I don't give a shit. From now on, we're the ones who have the edge in the multi-blade game. Are they the best a man can get? Fuck, no. Gillette is the best a man can get.

What part of this don't you understand? If two blades is good, and three blades is better, obviously five blades would make us the best fucking razor that ever existed. Comprende? We didn't claw our way to the top of the razor game by clinging to the two-blade industry standard. We got here by taking chances. Well, five blades is the biggest chance of all.

Here's the report from Engineering. Someone put it in the bathroom: I want to wipe my ass with it. They don't tell me what to invent—I tell them. And I'm telling them to stick two more blades in there. I don't care how. Make the blades so thin they're invisible. Put some on the handle. I don't care if they have to cram the fifth blade in perpendicular to the other four, just do it!

You're taking the "safety" part of "safety razor" too literally, grandma. Cut the strings and soar. Let's hit it. Let's roll. This is our chance to make razor history. Let's dream big. All you have to do is say that five blades can happen, and it will happen. If you aren't on board, then fuck you. And if you're on the board, then fuck you and your father. Hey, if I'm the only one who'll take risks, I'm sure as hell happy to hog all the glory when the five-blade razor becomes the shaving tool for the U.S. of "this is how we shave now" A.

People said we couldn't go to three. It'll cost a fortune to manufacture, they said. Well, we did it. Now some egghead in a lab is screaming "Five's crazy?" Well, perhaps he'd be more comfortable in the labs at Norelco, working on fucking electrics. Rotary blades, my white ass!

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe we should just ride in Bic's wake and make pens. Ha! Not on your fucking life! The day I shadow a penny-ante outfit like Bic is the day I leave the razor game for good, and that won't happen until the day I die!

The market? Listen, we make the market. All we have to do is put her out there with a little jingle. It's as easy as, "Hey, shaving with anything less than five blades is like scraping your beard off with a dull hatchet." Or "You'll be so smooth, I could snort lines off of your chin." Try "Your neck is going to be so friggin' soft, someone's gonna walk up and tie a goddamn Cub Scout kerchief under it."

I know what you're thinking now: What'll people say? Mew mew mew. Oh, no, what will people say?! Grow the fuck up. When you're on top, people talk. That's the price you pay for being on top. Which Gillette is, always has been, and forever shall be, Amen, five blades, sweet Jesus in heaven.

Stop. I just had a stroke of genius. Are you ready? Open your mouth, baby birds, cause Mama's about to drop you one sweet, fat nightcrawler. Here she comes: Put another aloe strip on that fucker, too. That's right. Five blades, two strips, and make the second one lather. You heard me—the second strip lathers. It's a whole new way to think about shaving. Don't question it. Don't say a word. Just key the music, and call the chorus girls, because we're on the edge—the razor's edge—and I feel like dancing.

Top 83 Signs You Have a Drinking Problem

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects. 2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth 3. Job interfering with your drinking. 4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. 5. Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusettes. 6. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. 7. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group. 8. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not! 9. Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem! 10. "Norm!" is what they say when you enter the bar. 11. When you can focus better with one eye closed 12. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar 13. Every woman you see has an exact twin. 14. You wake up to find Windows 95 installed on your machine. 15. If you keep asking your wife "where are the kids?", but you don't really have a wife and you're talking to the refridgerator. 16. You fall off the floor. 17. You discover in the morning liquid cleaning supplies have disappeared. 18. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops. 19. Had "Spuds McKenzie" tattoo removed, replaced it with "Red Dog." 20. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner! 21. Beer: it's not just for breakfast anymore. 22. The glass keeps missing your mouth. 23. Bill Clinton starts to make sense. 24. When you go to donate blood and they ask what proof? 25. Vampires get woozy after bitting you. 26. The only drinking problem is not having a drink right now. 27. At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..." 28. Your idea of cutting back is less seltzer. 29. When vomiting becomes a relief. 30. Having a hard time staying on the side walk - left, right, stumble, fall 31. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom. 32. Barney, that dinosaur is damned funny! 33. You think, Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women. 34. Every night you're beginning to find your roomate's cat more attractive. 35. Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol. 36. Waking up with a traffic cone between your legs. 37. No ocifer, I'm not drunk... you're just sober... 38. Problem? I Drink, I get Drunk, I Fall down....No Problem 39. If on a diet, you cut back your food calories to allow for alcohol calories. 40. Take me drunk, I'm home! 41. The bottle's empty...that's the problem! 42. Find yourself as the captain for the Exxon Valdez. 43. You wake up naked lying in the corner of a bus depot. 44. Roseanne looks good. 45. Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of bottle. 46. You drink to get over a hangover. 47. That damned pink elephant followed me home again. 48. You are the proud owner of a porcelain bus driver's liscense. 49. The Whisky Ain't Working Anymore. 50. Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you. 51. You have a reserved parking space at the A&P. 52. I'm as jober as a sudge! 53. You consider yourself a workaholic, becuase every time you go to work, you want to have a beer! 54. I slept with that damned pink elephant again. 55. Mosquitoes spiral down to the ground in circles after biting you. 56. Rumsfeld.... he's soooo sexy. 57. You find yourself in a room on a train arriving in Tiajuana and the last thing you remember is being in a bar in NYC! 58. Your name is Ted Kennedy. 59. You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the Fourth of July party in Waikiki. 60. Red dog upside down looks like batman eating a catwoman. 61. You've fallen and you can't/(don't want to) get up. 62. You don't drink. (That's a problem!) 63. when hangovers become an attractive alternative lifestyle. 64. BeerTender! Get me another Bar! 65. Boris Yeltsin tries to get you to join AA. 66. The shrubbery's drunk from frequent watering. 67. Do you take this woman..... 68. You wake up too groggy to come up with anything funny for this damn list. 69. You realize you have shaved your head except for a little rat tail hanging from the top and you're pestering people to buy incense & crap. 70. Your only friends are Jack, Johnnie, and Jose. 71. Double vision so much the norm, you can't function w/o it. 72. You listen to the radio and start dancing to hootie and the blowfish. 73. Because you're not as think you are drunk I am... 74. salt, sugar, grease, carbohydrates - yes, alcohol is the fifth food group. 75. Your favorite drink is ethanol. 76. Why does everybody think I have a prinking droblem?! 77. You can't remember what your family looks like... or if you have a family. 78. You wake up surrounded by 50 dented cases of SPAM. 79. You like SPAM. 80. You get defensive when someone asks if you have drinking problem. 81. Haven't stopped drinking since Carter got elected. 82. I don't have a drinking prob..pleb..prub.. Pash me another, tarbender. 83. You spend a whole night holding up walls to prevent their (your) collapse.

International Implications of Kimchi Abuse

Was it REALLY a nuclear blast? I think this is a more plausible explanation:

Classic: 5 Stages of Drunkeness

In our continuing coverage of classic spam humor... Stage 1 - SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART. Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people want you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they want you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun. Stage 3 - RICH This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you will win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet because s you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world. Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway! Stage 5 - INVISIBLE This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.

Soul Aids: The Cure for Racist Bandages

Tired of racist "flesh-colored" bandages? Fight the Power (and infection) with Soul-Colored bandages! Of course Soul-Aid wasn't available in most stores...it's just another example of Whitey keepin' the brother down. This ad is from a 70s-era Ebony Magazine...so beware of sending your money.

Big Tobacco: "Kids, Manly Men Smoke!"

Ahhh...the good old days when Big Tobacco could target children with impunity...and style. =o)

Classic: Hollywood Laws of Computing

I received this awhile back in one of the -many- received and rarely viewed humor spam emails. It's a pretty funny look at the Laws of Computing...according to Hollywood.

1. People never have to look at the screen or use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
   
2. Super-computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes.
   
3. All computer panels (e.g. Star Trek) have thousands of Kilovolts running just underneath the panels. Any Malfunction is indicated by a big flash and loads of sparks, a puff of smoke, and an explosion that forces people backwards.
   
4. Some computers slow down the text output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. An optional pip sound can be produced as each letter or line is displayed.
   
5. The most technical the equipment, the more (unlabelled) buttons it has.
   
6. No matter what format of computer disk you have, it will be readable by any system you put it into. Therefore, all application software in movies is usable by all computer platforms.
   
7. Real-time video communication is possible on small hand held devices and small laptops ; also when using wireless modems, the speed of data transfer is always around 3 Gigabytes per second.
   
8. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under 5 seconds.
   
9. Whenever a movie character looks at a VDU, the screen image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face.
   
10. The internet connects to everything in the movies. You can edit credit records, search hotel registries, lookup police criminal files, search drivers license databases, edit social security files and more just using the internet!
    
11. Smashing the VDU will prevent the whole system from working.
    
12. You can launch nuclear missiles from any bedroom using an analog modem, but only if you know a single secret password.

TOP SECRET GOP Cover-Up Document

At least Foley can follow THESE directions.

I Think I'm Waltzing Japanese

This video of a waltzing robot further proves my theory: The Japanese are Crazy!