Secrets the Illuminati Don't Want You to Know!

Curious about Hedonic Engineering or Guerilla Ontology? Need an answer to you child's question on "Why God made us?" Have science, logic, rational thought, and even basic common sense provided you with little comfort and fewer answers? If you (or the voices in your head) answered "yes" to any of the questions above, then "The Illuminati Papers" is the book for you! Painstakingly researched and written medication-free, this book holds the answers to many questions sane people have never even considered. As an added bonus, the first 100 (non-reptilian) customers will receive a FREE tin foil hat. Try before you buy here.

Australia's Evil Koala Army

This week, Australian scientists announced that they were ready to test a contraceptive that would curb a koala population explosion responsible for altering the local ecosystem. According to Forbes, a “device” would be inserted under the Koala’s skin in the same way vets install microchips in domestic pets (real article). Australia MAY be trying to balance the local ecosystem through humane methods. OR, more plausibly, perhaps this is a cover to developing an army of koalas that have been implanted with mind-control chips.

Monkey Fartz has led the charge on uncovering Australia’s evil desire for world domination. Between its cyborg army program (link), role in Steve Irwin’s death (link), stingray coverup (link), and possible contamination of the world’s spinach supply (link); is is so far-fetched to believe they are now building an Evil Koala Army to do their bidding. Look at the facts:

• Almost Every Zoo Has Several Koalas
• Koalas Are Native Only to Australia
• Scientists will be Implanting Koalas with Microchips
• Australia is evil and bent on world domination…

…ALL FACTS! We at Monkey Fartz submit that the Australian government is implanting and exporting mind-controlled koalas to create sleeper-cells around the world. Think about it. Who would expect a cute, fluffy koala of subversive paramilitary activity? Forewarned is forearmed. Keep a vigilant lookout for suspicious koalas. Your very liberty could depend on it.

Conspiracy Theories for Morons

Are you tired of "The Government", "The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy", and "Liberal Media" lying to you? Do you think that the world's affairs are run by a select group called the "Illuminati", "Bilderberg Group", "Trilateral Commission", or the Reptilians? Do you see evidence of cover-ups in even the most mundane events? If so, Conspiracy Theories for Morons may be the book for you. You, too can defy scientific and journalistic facts in favor of crazy, baseless claims. The 9/11 Conspiracy is childs play compared to what this book will help you create. Conspiracy Theories for Morons contains the following contents for would-be conspiracy theorists: Chapter One: Suspension of Disbelief--History of Conspiracy Theories Chapter Two: Use of Circular Logic Chapter Three: All Critics Must be Part of the Conspiracy Chapter Four: Misdirection and Outright Fabrications--They Use Them...Why Shouldn't You? Much, much more... Order now and get 25 FREE conspiracy templates (incl. the popular 9/11 was staged by the Bush Administration).

Jehovah: God or ET

Ever wonder if Jehovah was God...or a little green alien from outer space that came to Earth to teach the primitives values and create a hybrid primate-alien that turned into US? If so, the following ad is for you (oh, and seek psychiatric help, please):

If you respond to this ad, please don't reproduce.

This Just In: Belgium Doesn't Exist

Zapatopi wants the world to finally be told the truth (full article here):

"The existence of the supposed European country of Belgium has been taken as gospel for years by members of the Liberati. It has long been held up as a shining example of Liberal philosophies in action. However, now is the time the truth be known. Belgium doesn't exist."

Go to the site, become informed, and fight the propaganda!

Crazy Ad: Psychic and UFO Revelations for the Last Days

For a meager $20 (plus s/h) you too can learn hundreds of (outdated) prophecies on the future of the earth, the evacuation of our planet, signs of the "last days", and more. Learn the Cosmic Prophecis from "The Year Two Thousand"...doh...

That's ok...anyone who would buy this probably doesn't know the year 2000 has already passed.

Tainted Spinach--Part of Australia's Master Plan

Tainted spinach has been a widely-covered topic in the news recently. From Today’s Wyoming’s Star-Tribune:

“On its way to supermarket shelves, bagged spinach passes from field to packing plant to store, with several opportunities along the journey for it to become contaminated with deadly E. coli bacteria.

This complex chain is making it hard to identify the precise source of the outbreak that has killed one person and sickened at least 108 others around the country.”

Is this simply a case of accidental contamination? That’s what the “mainstream media” would LIKE you to believe. The truth is far more sinister—Australia needs spinach for its Super Cyborg Soldier program (see Monkey Fartz Australia Expose’ More Proof)

It’s a widely-known fact that spinach causes an immediate increase in strength, bravery, and fighting prowess (links 1 2) This could be JUST the boost the Australian Super Cyborgs need to gain the advantage. The photos bleow are believed to have been leaked from within a Super Top Secret research facility:

Need more proof? First, Australia has had ZERO cases of e.coli infected spinach. Second, why is Australia's well-known spinach crop SUSPICIOUSLLY absent from the CIA World Fact Book (link). Finally, any country who would “take out” one of its most beloved celebrities will stop at nothing to reach its goal of world domination. Keep vigilant...an Austrlian Army of Cybrog Popeyes may be coming to a neighborhood near you.

Disclaimer: For those of you who are satirically-challenged, this is not a SERIOUS piece.

Crazy Ad: The Wish Machine

For only (you guessed it) $25 (plus s/h), you too can understand, build, and apply the basic technology of the "Wish Machine"! Here is an actual ad from the wonderful [-ly crazy] folks at Global Communications:

Crazy Conspiracy Ad: Build Your Own Time Machine!

Ever wanted to travel through time? Now you can for only $25...and parts you can find in almost any harware store. This is an actual advertisement scanned from a crazy conspiracy magazine:
MEME: If time tavel WERE possible, when (and where) would you travel to?

Tesla Death Ray: Pointed at Your Town

Here is an actual clipping from Conspiracy magazine. For only $14 (+5 s/h), you can have the "proof" that:

• Columbia Space Shuttle Destroyed by a Particle Beam
• "The Chinese or some secret government black ops group" (nice specificity) could be pointing these weapons at your town.
• Said Death Rays could be causing strange weather and atmospheric phenomenon.
  

As a bonus, for only $25 more, you can get a DVD with evidence our space missions have been followed by "unknown objects". By the way, I recognize this stuff is crazy-talk...but I thought it was funny. If you have any great clips like this, please submit them.

Top Ten Craziest Conspiracy Theories

There are SO many to choose from that these are probably not the craziest...but they're still pretty damn crazy. Make sure your tin-foil hat is firmly in place before proceeding:




10) Katrina was by the Yakuza. (link)

9) AIDS created by the US Government to gain advantage in Cold War (link)

8) John Lennon was killed by CIA-programmed assassin to silence his “anti-government radical political activity” (link)

7) The world is controlled by shape-changing reptilian aliens (link)

6) Barcodes are the “mark of the beast” promoted by the Illuminati (link)

5) 2005 Tsunami caused by India-Israel nuke test (link)

4) The Nazi-UFO Connection (link)

3) Apollo Moon Landing was a Hoax ( link)

2) KFC-KKK Konnection (link)

1) Tie between 9/11 was an “Inside Job” (link) and Global Warming (link)