Top 83 Signs You Have a Drinking Problem

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects. 2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth 3. Job interfering with your drinking. 4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. 5. Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusettes. 6. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. 7. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group. 8. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not! 9. Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem! 10. "Norm!" is what they say when you enter the bar. 11. When you can focus better with one eye closed 12. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar 13. Every woman you see has an exact twin. 14. You wake up to find Windows 95 installed on your machine. 15. If you keep asking your wife "where are the kids?", but you don't really have a wife and you're talking to the refridgerator. 16. You fall off the floor. 17. You discover in the morning liquid cleaning supplies have disappeared. 18. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops. 19. Had "Spuds McKenzie" tattoo removed, replaced it with "Red Dog." 20. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner! 21. Beer: it's not just for breakfast anymore. 22. The glass keeps missing your mouth. 23. Bill Clinton starts to make sense. 24. When you go to donate blood and they ask what proof? 25. Vampires get woozy after bitting you. 26. The only drinking problem is not having a drink right now. 27. At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..." 28. Your idea of cutting back is less seltzer. 29. When vomiting becomes a relief. 30. Having a hard time staying on the side walk - left, right, stumble, fall 31. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom. 32. Barney, that dinosaur is damned funny! 33. You think, Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women. 34. Every night you're beginning to find your roomate's cat more attractive. 35. Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol. 36. Waking up with a traffic cone between your legs. 37. No ocifer, I'm not drunk... you're just sober... 38. Problem? I Drink, I get Drunk, I Fall down....No Problem 39. If on a diet, you cut back your food calories to allow for alcohol calories. 40. Take me drunk, I'm home! 41. The bottle's empty...that's the problem! 42. Find yourself as the captain for the Exxon Valdez. 43. You wake up naked lying in the corner of a bus depot. 44. Roseanne looks good. 45. Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of bottle. 46. You drink to get over a hangover. 47. That damned pink elephant followed me home again. 48. You are the proud owner of a porcelain bus driver's liscense. 49. The Whisky Ain't Working Anymore. 50. Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you. 51. You have a reserved parking space at the A&P. 52. I'm as jober as a sudge! 53. You consider yourself a workaholic, becuase every time you go to work, you want to have a beer! 54. I slept with that damned pink elephant again. 55. Mosquitoes spiral down to the ground in circles after biting you. 56. Rumsfeld.... he's soooo sexy. 57. You find yourself in a room on a train arriving in Tiajuana and the last thing you remember is being in a bar in NYC! 58. Your name is Ted Kennedy. 59. You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the Fourth of July party in Waikiki. 60. Red dog upside down looks like batman eating a catwoman. 61. You've fallen and you can't/(don't want to) get up. 62. You don't drink. (That's a problem!) 63. when hangovers become an attractive alternative lifestyle. 64. BeerTender! Get me another Bar! 65. Boris Yeltsin tries to get you to join AA. 66. The shrubbery's drunk from frequent watering. 67. Do you take this woman..... 68. You wake up too groggy to come up with anything funny for this damn list. 69. You realize you have shaved your head except for a little rat tail hanging from the top and you're pestering people to buy incense & crap. 70. Your only friends are Jack, Johnnie, and Jose. 71. Double vision so much the norm, you can't function w/o it. 72. You listen to the radio and start dancing to hootie and the blowfish. 73. Because you're not as think you are drunk I am... 74. salt, sugar, grease, carbohydrates - yes, alcohol is the fifth food group. 75. Your favorite drink is ethanol. 76. Why does everybody think I have a prinking droblem?! 77. You can't remember what your family looks like... or if you have a family. 78. You wake up surrounded by 50 dented cases of SPAM. 79. You like SPAM. 80. You get defensive when someone asks if you have drinking problem. 81. Haven't stopped drinking since Carter got elected. 82. I don't have a drinking prob..pleb..prub.. Pash me another, tarbender. 83. You spend a whole night holding up walls to prevent their (your) collapse.

Drunk and Disorderly Bear

Lyons, Colorado -- Wildlife officers described a bear outside a school as drunk and disorderly.

The wobbly bear was spotted in a neighborhood near Boulder Tuesday afternoon. Neighbors new something was fishy when the animal was having trouble staying on her feet.

Wildlife officers think she over-indulged on fermented fruit. Officers used a bean bag gun to stun the bear, then they tranquilized her. Officers will return her to the wild after she sobers up.

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Panda: "No means no"

In China, a 29-year-old man was attacked and mauled on Tuesday by GuGu the Panda in her crib (link). Apparently, alcohol is to blame...shocker.

The man contends that GuGu invited him back to her place for a little "Bam-Boo". The details are sketchy, but things quickly turned to violence. He claims that he and the "Panda Whore had a few drinks...one thing led to another and...well...you know."

The panda was unavailable for comment and is reportedly in therapy. Sources close to GuGu say they aren't surprised as she "is a tease that will do almost anything for bamboo."