New Response Models for Snakes
An Analysis of US Law Enforcement Agencies Upon Encountering a "Venomous Snake" Within Their Jurisdiction:
1. FBI - Searches for, but cannot locate the snake. After the snake is caught by local police, the FBI forms a Snake Task Force of 150 agents, sets up a command center, holds a press conference, and takes credit for capturing the snake. Upon taking credit, the impressive command post is packed up and the FBI task force returns to their office to await another large event to take credit for...In the mean time, FBI management requests 4,000 more e agents to combat snake activity associated with terrorism.
2. US Secret Service - Forms a protective ring of agents around the snake and escorts it to a safe area.
3. ATF - Sends SRT team to arrest the snake. They expend all of their ammo, then burn the forest down, killing the snake, and everything else in the forest. At a Congressional inquiry, they make a presentation of why additional funding is required to properly train agents to battle the threat of snakes. The only questions asked by ATF management after the operation is whether or not there was a proper operational plan in place, if the plan was followed, and who can take the fall for anything that went wrong.
4. TSA - Abiding by a Congressional ruling to prevent "profiling" venomous snakes, the TSA makes random inspections. Venomous snakes are regularly allowed to pass while TSA officials strip search a family of squirrels.
5. IRS-CID - Performs an in-depth investigation of the snake and writes a 100-page summary of why the snake should not be prosecuted. The investigation is closed and all agents are out of the office by 4:30pm.
6. ICE - After obtaining permission from the BPA, CBP, FBI, FPS, IRS, FINCEN, DEA, ATF, FAMS, FEMA, and the Girl Scouts of America, they mail the snake a notice to appear on a specified date for a status hearing. The snake never responds and is promptly forgotten.
7. DEA - Initiates a Title 3 and an MLAT investigation on the snake's cell phone after discovering that the above-listed agencies have begun an investigation on the snake. DEA spends $3 million to discover the snake is not Colombian...
8. U.S. Attorney's Office - Declines prosecution out of "professional courtesy."
9. USBP (Border Patrol) - Captures the snake. Their inability to communicate with the snake results in a recruitment drive for snake handlers. They take the snake back to the border (for the 40th time).
10. US Forest Service - They have meeting after meeting. Management wrings their hands and decide to deny any existence of the snake on public lands. All agents are ordered to Washington to prevent any sighting of the snake. All agents are ordered to refer to the snakes as "legal reptiles."
11. Local Police Officer - Shoots the snake after "accidentally" driving over it several times. The officer then puts the snake in a County Deputy's car while it is parked outside the nearest Starbucks.
Monday, August 06, 2007
New Response Models for Snakes
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
Monday, May 21, 2007
In an effort to maintain his caricature status, Senator John McCain took a jab at Romney's stance on Immigration:
"In the case of Governor Romney, you know, maybe I should wait a couple of weeks and see if it changes, because it's changed in less than a year from his position before. And maybe his solution will be to get out his small-varmint gun and drive those Guatemalans off his lawn. I don't know."While it hasn't received much coverage from the media, McCain gets "Mad Props" for being the first Presidential candidate to use the word "varmint" in a press conference. Not one to be upstaged (or out-crazied), Romey issued the following response:
I'm no doctor, but it's obvious to me that Romney should shift a little focus away from media grandstanding and get that hand checked out. It just doesn't look right.
Friday, May 18, 2007
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
Thursday, May 03, 2007
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
Friday, April 27, 2007
Thursday, April 26, 2007
1. Discover the cure for a serious disease (e.g. cancer, diabetes, erectile dysfunction, etc.) and release the details exclusively (and incrementally) on your blog.
2. Buy Google, Yahoo, and MSN and have ALL queries return your blog as the #1 pick.
3. Pact with Satan.
4. Instead of reporting the news...MAKE the news. (Note: In addition to #1 on this list, consider invading foreign countries on false pretenses...guaranteed traffic booster).
5. One Word: Manifesto.
6. Two Words: Free Porn
7. Create a blog-based religion and tell your followers that they will go to Hell unless they bring 10 new followers a day. (Note: This takes awhile to generate traffic, but the cumulative effect is awesome...and being a cult leader has its perks...until the very end.)
8. Create a blog dedicated to increasing blog traffic...despite having no experience, actionable advice, expertise, or tools.
9. Conduct a coup in a country with high per capita internet access, become a ruthless dictator, and order all citizens to access your blog daily or face the Death Squads.
10. Try to create interesting, original content that appeals to a wide audience....wait, that would never work. Just add porn!
Please share your ideas. There is a 99.9% probability your answers will be funnier...if not more useful.
I believe this sign is definitive proof that people are finally opening their eyes to the fact that Australia must be watched.
Other MF exclusives on Evil Australia:
1. Beings with supernatural Powers are, like, you know, totally awesome.
2. His parents would punish him if he didn't.
3. The priest in the funny closet says he's cute.
4. The Bible says so.
5. The Cub Scouts won't let him join if he doesn't.
6. It's easier to spell that Quetzalcoatl.
7. All his friends do.
8. How else can he explain the voices in his head?
9. His science teacher hasn't said otherwise.
10. It sure beats an eternity in Hell.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Another classic from the MF Spam Department--whose motto is "It is always better to leverage the brilliant, hard work of others...than to create something on your own!"
Courtesy of: http://www.stacken.kth.se/lists/best-forestry/2001-05/jpg00000.jpg
It's rare that I recommend other blogs. It's a scientifically proven fact that most gnomes (and all bloggers) are self-centered and couldn't be buggered to praise any site other than their own.
That being said, I ran across a blog (within our own blogspot community) that I HAD to share: http://revolttoday.blogspot.com/
Ron W.'s site, Revolt Today, worth a look. It's the perfect mix of sharp political commentary and biting satire. Please check it out.
Note: This was not a paid endorsement...although donations are always welcome.
Tags: cool sites
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
It is not often that Monkey Fartz has the opportunity to do a fact-based follow-up to a story…mostly due to laziness and the ease of simply making stories up. However, MF is happy to provide an update on "criminal-turn-Christ" Jose Luis de Jesus Miranda. Last year, MF broke the story on de Jesus' plan to "rebrand" his image (link) to gain market share in the competitive Crazy Religions segment. With Scientology and Kaballah both boasting big name celebrity support, de Jesus realized he had to "up his game" in order for the International Ministry of Growing Grace to remain competitive. This former felon, who once claimed he was "integrated with the resurrected Christ himself" (link) is now claiming to be the Anti-Christ. While several reputable news sources are covering his recent shenanigans in Guatemala (link), MF is more interested in the specifics behind the recent repositioning of his "product". The MF Research team believes it has uncovered why de Jesus selected "Antichrist" as his new persona du jour—Marketing 101. After extensive data gathering and analysis, it appears that the market the market is saturated with cult/religious leaders claiming to be the reincarnation of, or earthly representative for, Jesus (see chart below). Even the Buddha, the Dali Lama, and "Other" categories are covered by groups with stronger customer bases. However, the Antichrist market is completely open at this point (considering the other 2 are dead and whose titles were imposed posthumously). Further, research show that out of those polled*, 44% wanted a religion that had "no rules" (see below). After proclaiming himself the Antichrist, de Jesus claimed there was no such thing as sin…which is convenient considering his criminal history. Say what you want about his sanity (and that of his followers), but you can't argue with charts. *No actual people were polled in creating the charts.
It is not often that Monkey Fartz has the opportunity to do a fact-based follow-up to a story…mostly due to laziness and the ease of simply making stories up. However, MF is happy to provide an update on "criminal-turn-Christ" Jose Luis de Jesus Miranda. Last year, MF broke the story on de Jesus' plan to "rebrand" his image (link) to gain market share in the competitive Crazy Religions segment. With Scientology and Kaballah both boasting big name celebrity support, de Jesus realized he had to "up his game" in order for the International Ministry of Growing Grace to remain competitive.
This former felon, who once claimed he was "integrated with the resurrected Christ himself" (link) is now claiming to be the Anti-Christ. While several reputable news sources are covering his recent shenanigans in Guatemala (link), MF is more interested in the specifics behind the recent repositioning of his "product".
The MF Research team believes it has uncovered why de Jesus selected "Antichrist" as his new persona du jour—Marketing 101. After extensive data gathering and analysis, it appears that the market the market is saturated with cult/religious leaders claiming to be the reincarnation of, or earthly representative for, Jesus (see chart below). Even the Buddha, the Dali Lama, and "Other" categories are covered by groups with stronger customer bases. However, the Antichrist market is completely open at this point (considering the other 2 are dead and whose titles were imposed posthumously). Further, research show that out of those polled*, 44% wanted a religion that had "no rules" (see below). After proclaiming himself the Antichrist, de Jesus claimed there was no such thing as sin…which is convenient considering his criminal history.
Say what you want about his sanity (and that of his followers), but you can't argue with charts.
*No actual people were polled in creating the charts.
Monday, April 09, 2007
(Washington, D.C.) In a Monkey Fartz EXCLUSIVE, the crack MF'er investigative journalism team believes they have uncovered photographic evidence of the Vice President's thwarted involvement with this year's White House Egg Hunt.
Reportedly, the Vice President was extremely disappointed when the event coordinator (and several Secret Service agents) respectfully declined his suggestions to make this year's event more "sportsmanlike".
Insiders report the Vice President sulked away, muttering "how the hell can you call something a 'hunt' without shotguns..."
Sunday, April 08, 2007
The Monkey Fartz team of artists have developed a mug shot of what they thought the spawn of Bill O'Reilly and Ann Coulter would look like.
I believe this is the strongest argument for eugenics...ever.
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
The Washington Post recently reportedthat a planned Holy Week display entitled "My Sweet Lord" was canceled due to outrage from Cardinal Edward Eagan, Catholics...and diabetics.
Cardinal Eagan described the display--a six-foot, "anatomically correct" Christ sculpted from chocolate--as "sickening" and strong-armed the gallery to immediately remove the exhibit.
While the claim of being "anatomically correct" is dubious, photos suggest that the artist was fairly generous considering the complete lack of historical or biblical evidence.
There have been much more reputable sources that have expressed outrage over the obvious issues of freedom of expression, religious intolerance, and the New York ban on trans-fats. I view this as yet another example of how out of touch the Catholic Church has become.
It's been awhile since I've crossed the threshold of a Church (due to a fear of lightning strikes), but I seem to remember a ritual where we celebrated eating the "body of Christ" with small, tasteless wafers. I'm not suggesting that communing with Our Lord needs to be an epicurean delight...but maybe the artist is on to something.
Who wouldn't prefer breaking off a chocolately-piece of the Savior while celebrating one of the Sacraments? I guess it is ok for the Virgin Mary to appear on a pancake, but God forbid displaying a naked Jesus made out of chocolate!
Monkey Fartz has had a long-standing love affair with conservative talking head Bill O'Reilly (Link to Past MF Coverage). This "affair" is not based on agreeing with ANY of his beliefs or even the slightest bit of respect for him as a journalist or human being. Rather, Mr. Bill never fails to provide fodder for lazy gnomish bloggers such as myself.
Bill has bravely taken on college cartoonists, 9/11 conspiracy theorists, journalists with opposing views, and countless celebrities--all worthy adversaries of this self-appointed king of right-thinking. Based on the video above, it looks like Bill is upping his Crazy Game by verbally abusing a decorated war veteran.
Maybe Bill is getting a little jealous of the media coverage received by the Peroxide-Poisoned Coulter. Keep up the good fight, Bill!
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Any of you "long term" MF'ers (Monkey Farters) should know that our primary goal is to provide fair and balanced content that is sensitive to all races, religions, political leanings, genders, and the mentally/physically handicapped.
Made in the 1960s, this video is an excellent reminder of the heroic made by an often overlooked section of the civil/human rights movement. While equal rights amongst races got most of the press, a brave few were fighting for those who society overlooked and locked-away. Thumbing their noses at the supporters of eugenics, this group was dedicated to teaching "trainables" how to GET IT ON.
|Monkey Fartz is happy to report that the mastermind (and her accomplice) behind over 30 gnome-nappings has finally been apprehended after an 18-month man hunt (link to real article).|
According to the article, Alloa Sheriff Court heard that the mother-of-three was arrested along with friend Ann McCallum, of Delphwood Crescent, also Tullibody, following an 11-day undercover operation involving officers from both Central Scotland CID and the force's tactical crime unit.
While it is a blessing that 30 innocent gnomes will be given an opportunity to return to their lives, friends, families, and loved ones; who know how many more fell victim to the seedy (pun intended) underground trade of gnome-trafficking. Stenhouse and McCallum are reporting trying to strike a plea deal with local prosecutors in return for information that could lead to further gnome rescues.
For the time-being, all we can do is rejoice for the saved and pray for those lost souls still toiling in unknown/unfriendly gardens.
|Here are the new topics where Monkey Fartz is the #1 Listing! Click to verify:|
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
"Thetans BE GONE!"
|Last week, it was announced that outspoken Scientology advocate Tom Cruis would play Col. Claus Schenk von Stauffenberg in an upcoming United Artists project featuring the failed assassination plot against Adolf Hitler Fuhrer.|
Everyone hates Hitler, right...and who else better to play the role of Hitler's would-be assassin than someone who has bested aliens, Russian pilots, terrorists, Thetans, the pharmaceutical cartel, and intolerance against fake religions?
According to The Guardian (link to real news article) not everyone is pleased with the selection of Cruis for the von Stauffenberg role. The German war hero's family, which is Catholic, is concerned that Cruise could somehow use the film to promote Scientology.
Despite my thorough research and coverage of Scientology (link to fake news articles), I am struggling to see how this film (which I am assuming will paint the Nazis in a less-than-favorable light) could be used as a platform to promote Scientology's agenda. In fact, it can only serve to expose some of the "church's" more fascist practices as...well...fascist.
If you're new to the Internet, or just need a reminder, here are some of the highlights of the Scientology gag reel (link for more detail):