Headlines from the Year 2009

We used our time machine (link) to get the following headlines from 2009:

• Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California .
• White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
• Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
• Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.
• Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
• Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the AmericanTerritory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq , Afghanistan , Syria and Lebanon ).
• Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
• France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica .
• Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
• George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
• Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
• 85-year $758 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.
• Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
• Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut .
• Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
• Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
• Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.
• New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
• Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
• IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
• Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

EDIT: It has come to my attention that this is SUPPOSED to be for the year 2029. Apparently, the time machine technology is less reliable than we though.

Note: I am not sure who the original author of this is. If you know, please leave a comment and I will cite the source.