Friday, August 18, 2006

Who Would Win in a Fight Between Stewart and Colbert?

The Daily Show and Colbert Report have turned Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert in wildly-popular personalities. Their talent to capture the hearts and minds of their viewers is undeniable. The in-depth analysis below—based on ten whole minutes of research on Google, IMDB, and Wikipedia—asks the BIG question: “Who would win in a fight?” After read our assessment, we'd like to know what all 7 of you think:

Stephen “Baby Bear” Colbert
Height: 5'10"
Weight: est. 185lbs
Born: 13MAY1964 in Charleston, South Carolina
Education: Northwestern (Major Unknown)


  • Youngest of eleven children: This suggests that Colbert learned to fight at an early age.
  • Teaches Sunday School: God on his side.
  • Fire-in-the-Belly: The only thing keeping Colbert from the top right now is Stewart.


  • Voice of “Ace” in SNL’s “Ambuously Gay Duo: He may have played that part a little TOO well…if you know what I mean.
  • Insanely Afraid of Bears: This would be difficult for Stewart to exploit, he’s crafty.

Jon “Lefty” Stewart
Height: 5’7”

Weight: est. 180lbs.
Born: 28NOV62 in New York, NY
Education: William & Mary (Chemistry/Psychology)


  • Psychology Degree: This is a key advantage for Stewart. Stewart would likely try to get into Colbert’s mind to psych him out. Mentioning bears is a distinct possibility.
  • Name Change: Changing his name from “Leibowitz” to “Stewart” shows that he is craft (see above) and agile.
  • Athletic: Stewart played soccer for William and Mary and had a brief stint as a construction worker. This suggests Stewart has a strong athletic core.


  • Lifestyle: Stewart is two years older, a former chain smoker, recreational user of marijuana (allegedly), and an occasional drinker. These factors may dilute any athletic advantage Stewart has over Colbert.
  • Complacency: Stewart’s on top right now and may rely on his recent success to heavily. He may underestimate Colbert, which would be a huge mistake.

Bottom Line:

Both Stewart and Colbert would bring a lot to the match. Stewart is crafty, agile, and a former athlete. He’s certainly the people’s favorite, but not by an incredibly huge margin. Plus, people as far to the left as he is either don’t know how to fight…or just aren’t very good at it. Being a New Yorker may offset this potential weakness.

Colbert has height, reach, youth, fire in the belly, and the power of God on his side. Plus, if he fights as the character he plays on the Colbert Report it’s a lock. Conservatives know fighting; it’s what they do.

Prediction: Colbert (the underdog), by split decision…with Stewart contesting the results of the votes.

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