Monkey Fartz

New Response Models for Snakes

2007-08-06T05:04:00.000-07:00

New Response Models for Snakes

An Analysis of US Law Enforcement Agencies Upon Encountering a "Venomous Snake" Within Their Jurisdiction:

1. FBI - Searches for, but cannot locate the snake. After the snake is caught by local police, the FBI forms a Snake Task Force of 150 agents, sets up a command center, holds a press conference, and takes credit for capturing the snake. Upon taking credit, the impressive command post is packed up and the FBI task force returns to their office to await another large event to take credit for...In the mean time, FBI management requests 4,000 more e agents to combat snake activity associated with terrorism.

2. US Secret Service - Forms a protective ring of agents around the snake and escorts it to a safe area.

3. ATF - Sends SRT team to arrest the snake. They expend all of their ammo, then burn the forest down, killing the snake, and everything else in the forest. At a Congressional inquiry, they make a presentation of why additional funding is required to properly train agents to battle the threat of snakes. The only questions asked by ATF management after the operation is whether or not there was a proper operational plan in place, if the plan was followed, and who can take the fall for anything that went wrong.

4. TSA - Abiding by a Congressional ruling to prevent "profiling" venomous snakes, the TSA makes random inspections. Venomous snakes are regularly allowed to pass while TSA officials strip search a family of squirrels.

5. IRS-CID - Performs an in-depth investigation of the snake and writes a 100-page summary of why the snake should not be prosecuted. The investigation is closed and all agents are out of the office by 4:30pm.

6. ICE - After obtaining permission from the BPA, CBP, FBI, FPS, IRS, FINCEN, DEA, ATF, FAMS, FEMA, and the Girl Scouts of America, they mail the snake a notice to appear on a specified date for a status hearing. The snake never responds and is promptly forgotten.

7. DEA - Initiates a Title 3 and an MLAT investigation on the snake's cell phone after discovering that the above-listed agencies have begun an investigation on the snake. DEA spends $3 million to discover the snake is not Colombian...

8. U.S. Attorney's Office - Declines prosecution out of "professional courtesy."

9. USBP (Border Patrol) - Captures the snake. Their inability to communicate with the snake results in a recruitment drive for snake handlers. They take the snake back to the border (for the 40th time).

10. US Forest Service - They have meeting after meeting. Management wrings their hands and decide to deny any existence of the snake on public lands. All agents are ordered to Washington to prevent any sighting of the snake. All agents are ordered to refer to the snakes as "legal reptiles."

11. Local Police Officer - Shoots the snake after "accidentally" driving over it several times. The officer then puts the snake in a County Deputy's car while it is parked outside the nearest Starbucks.

Breaking News: Another Al-Queda Operative Caught

2007-06-05T05:16:00.000-07:00

I wish I knew who to credit for this brilliant piece of work. I got it in email and felt the need to share it with the world...or, at least, the 5 people a day who stumble on this site. =o)

Romney's Reponse to McCain

2007-05-21T20:17:00.000-07:00

In an effort to maintain his caricature status, Senator John McCain took a jab at Romney's stance on Immigration:

"In the case of Governor Romney, you know, maybe I should wait a couple of weeks and see if it changes, because it's changed in less than a year from his position before. And maybe his solution will be to get out his small-varmint gun and drive those Guatemalans off his lawn. I don't know."

While it hasn't received much coverage from the media, McCain gets "Mad Props" for being the first Presidential candidate to use the word "varmint" in a press conference. Not one to be upstaged (or out-crazied), Romey issued the following response:

I'm no doctor, but it's obvious to me that Romney should shift a little focus away from media grandstanding and get that hand checked out. It just doesn't look right.

Falwell's Shocking Confession

2007-05-18T06:41:00.000-07:00

Monkey Fartz has an exclusive video confession that may cast a new light on Falwell's suspicious death.

Is there anything funnier than a beatboxing chimp? No.

2007-05-15T07:57:00.000-07:00

Christian Alternative to the Theory of Evolution

2007-05-08T20:21:00.001-07:00

Instructions for Handling a Hazardous Material: Woman

2007-05-03T10:12:00.000-07:00

Does Breastfeeding Really NEED Instructions?

2007-05-02T09:16:00.000-07:00

I believe that if you needed these instructions...you probably should not create offspring. In any event, it's worth a chuckle:

Original link.

What Fridges Look Like in Heaven

2007-05-01T06:12:00.000-07:00

The Organizational Dynamics of Application Development Explained

2007-04-27T05:58:00.000-07:00

Courtesy of Enabled.Com.

10 Sure Fire Ways to Increase Your Blog Traffic

2007-04-26T11:13:00.000-07:00

1. Discover the cure for a serious disease (e.g. cancer, diabetes, erectile dysfunction, etc.) and release the details exclusively (and incrementally) on your blog.

2. Buy Google, Yahoo, and MSN and have ALL queries return your blog as the #1 pick.

3. Pact with Satan.

4. Instead of reporting the news...MAKE the news. (Note: In addition to #1 on this list, consider invading foreign countries on false pretenses...guaranteed traffic booster).

5. One Word: Manifesto.

6. Two Words: Free Porn

7. Create a blog-based religion and tell your followers that they will go to Hell unless they bring 10 new followers a day. (Note: This takes awhile to generate traffic, but the cumulative effect is awesome...and being a cult leader has its perks...until the very end.)

8. Create a blog dedicated to increasing blog traffic...despite having no experience, actionable advice, expertise, or tools.

9. Conduct a coup in a country with high per capita internet access, become a ruthless dictator, and order all citizens to access your blog daily or face the Death Squads.

10. Try to create interesting, original content that appeals to a wide audience....wait, that would never work. Just add porn!

Please share your ideas. There is a 99.9% probability your answers will be funnier...if not more useful.

What if Fox News Advertised Honestly?

2007-04-26T09:31:00.000-07:00

Check out some of David Dees' other great work here.

Is Australia Evil? All Signs Point to "Yes".

2007-04-26T07:21:00.001-07:00

Funny Sign
Originally uploaded by tharakan.

I believe this sign is definitive proof that people are finally opening their eyes to the fact that Australia must be watched.

Other MF exclusives on Evil Australia:

Top 10 Reasons Why Little Jimmy Believes in God

2007-04-26T07:01:00.001-07:00

Top 10 reasons why kids believe in deities
Originally uploaded by cpurrin1.

1. Beings with supernatural Powers are, like, you know, totally awesome.

2. His parents would punish him if he didn't.

3. The priest in the funny closet says he's cute.

4. The Bible says so.

5. The Cub Scouts won't let him join if he doesn't.

6. It's easier to spell that Quetzalcoatl.

7. All his friends do.

8. How else can he explain the voices in his head?

9. His science teacher hasn't said otherwise.

10. It sure beats an eternity in Hell.

Screenshot of George W's Hotmail

2007-04-26T06:45:00.000-07:00

Click on the picture below to enlarge:

Click here for the original link.

Gorm's Proverb Builder

2007-04-26T04:20:00.000-07:00

Gorm--the Wired Viking--has a great proverb builder on his site. Check it out here. Below is an example of its pointy-headed wisdom:

"QUALITY BLOGGING AND WHITE RAVENS ARE RARELY SEEN."

Google Circa 1960

2007-04-26T04:15:00.000-07:00

Courtesy of Fury.com

Mathematical Proof: Girls are Evil

2007-04-25T08:00:00.000-07:00

Another classic from the MF Spam Department--whose motto is "It is always better to leverage the brilliant, hard work of others...than to create something on your own!"

Courtesy of: http://www.stacken.kth.se/lists/best-forestry/2001-05/jpg00000.jpg

Shameless Plug: Revolt Today

2007-04-25T05:19:00.000-07:00

Fellow MF'ers,

It's rare that I recommend other blogs. It's a scientifically proven fact that most gnomes (and all bloggers) are self-centered and couldn't be buggered to praise any site other than their own.

That being said, I ran across a blog (within our own blogspot community) that I HAD to share: http://revolttoday.blogspot.com/

Ron W.'s site, Revolt Today, worth a look. It's the perfect mix of sharp political commentary and biting satire. Please check it out.

Note: This was not a paid endorsement...although donations are always welcome.

Classic: Difference Between Men and Women

2007-04-25T05:11:00.000-07:00

Here is a classic that I just received from the crack MF email-spamming staff. Enjoy!

Antichrist...or Marketing Genius?

2007-04-24T10:11:00.001-07:00

It is not often that Monkey Fartz has the opportunity to do a fact-based follow-up to a story…mostly due to laziness and the ease of simply making stories up. However, MF is happy to provide an update on "criminal-turn-Christ" Jose Luis de Jesus Miranda. Last year, MF broke the story on de Jesus' plan to "rebrand" his image (link) to gain market share in the competitive Crazy Religions segment. With Scientology and Kaballah both boasting big name celebrity support, de Jesus realized he had to "up his game" in order for the International Ministry of Growing Grace to remain competitive.

This former felon, who once claimed he was "integrated with the resurrected Christ himself" (link) is now claiming to be the Anti-Christ. While several reputable news sources are covering his recent shenanigans in Guatemala (link), MF is more interested in the specifics behind the recent repositioning of his "product".

The MF Research team believes it has uncovered why de Jesus selected "Antichrist" as his new persona du jour—Marketing 101. After extensive data gathering and analysis, it appears that the market the market is saturated with cult/religious leaders claiming to be the reincarnation of, or earthly representative for, Jesus (see chart below). Even the Buddha, the Dali Lama, and "Other" categories are covered by groups with stronger customer bases. However, the Antichrist market is completely open at this point (considering the other 2 are dead and whose titles were imposed posthumously). Further, research show that out of those polled*, 44% wanted a religion that had "no rules" (see below). After proclaiming himself the Antichrist, de Jesus claimed there was no such thing as sin…which is convenient considering his criminal history.

Say what you want about his sanity (and that of his followers), but you can't argue with charts.

*No actual people were polled in creating the charts.

MF Exclusive: Hillary Clinton's "Second Life" Headquarters

2007-04-09T16:33:00.000-07:00

White House Easter Hunt: Cheney Style

2007-04-09T10:28:00.000-07:00

(Washington, D.C.) In a Monkey Fartz EXCLUSIVE, the crack MF'er investigative journalism team believes they have uncovered photographic evidence of the Vice President's thwarted involvement with this year's White House Egg Hunt.

Reportedly, the Vice President was extremely disappointed when the event coordinator (and several Secret Service agents) respectfully declined his suggestions to make this year's event more "sportsmanlike".

Insiders report the Vice President sulked away, muttering "how the hell can you call something a 'hunt' without shotguns..."

What if O'Reilly and Coulter Spawned a Child?

2007-04-08T17:39:00.000-07:00

The Monkey Fartz team of artists have developed a mug shot of what they thought the spawn of Bill O'Reilly and Ann Coulter would look like.

I believe this is the strongest argument for eugenics...ever.

"Sweet Jeebus!"

2007-04-04T10:04:00.000-07:00

The Washington Post recently reportedthat a planned Holy Week display entitled "My Sweet Lord" was canceled due to outrage from Cardinal Edward Eagan, Catholics...and diabetics.

Cardinal Eagan described the display--a six-foot, "anatomically correct" Christ sculpted from chocolate--as "sickening" and strong-armed the gallery to immediately remove the exhibit.

While the claim of being "anatomically correct" is dubious, photos suggest that the artist was fairly generous considering the complete lack of historical or biblical evidence.

There have been much more reputable sources that have expressed outrage over the obvious issues of freedom of expression, religious intolerance, and the New York ban on trans-fats. I view this as yet another example of how out of touch the Catholic Church has become.

It's been awhile since I've crossed the threshold of a Church (due to a fear of lightning strikes), but I seem to remember a ritual where we celebrated eating the "body of Christ" with small, tasteless wafers. I'm not suggesting that communing with Our Lord needs to be an epicurean delight...but maybe the artist is on to something.

Who wouldn't prefer breaking off a chocolately-piece of the Savior while celebrating one of the Sacraments? I guess it is ok for the Virgin Mary to appear on a pancake, but God forbid displaying a naked Jesus made out of chocolate!

O'Reilly Beats Up a "Girl"

2007-04-04T09:46:00.000-07:00

Monkey Fartz has had a long-standing love affair with conservative talking head Bill O'Reilly (Link to Past MF Coverage). This "affair" is not based on agreeing with ANY of his beliefs or even the slightest bit of respect for him as a journalist or human being. Rather, Mr. Bill never fails to provide fodder for lazy gnomish bloggers such as myself.

Bill has bravely taken on college cartoonists, 9/11 conspiracy theorists, journalists with opposing views, and countless celebrities--all worthy adversaries of this self-appointed king of right-thinking. Based on the video above, it looks like Bill is upping his Crazy Game by verbally abusing a decorated war veteran.

Maybe Bill is getting a little jealous of the media coverage received by the Peroxide-Poisoned Coulter. Keep up the good fight, Bill!

Video: ABCs of Sex Education for Trainables

2007-03-28T10:26:00.000-07:00

Any of you "long term" MF'ers (Monkey Farters) should know that our primary goal is to provide fair and balanced content that is sensitive to all races, religions, political leanings, genders, and the mentally/physically handicapped.

Made in the 1960s, this video is an excellent reminder of the heroic made by an often overlooked section of the civil/human rights movement. While equal rights amongst races got most of the press, a brave few were fighting for those who society overlooked and locked-away. Thumbing their noses at the supporters of eugenics, this group was dedicated to teaching "trainables" how to GET IT ON.

Gnome-Napper Nabbed!

2007-03-28T06:10:00.000-07:00

Monkey Fartz is happy to report that the mastermind (and her accomplice) behind over 30 gnome-nappings has finally been apprehended after an 18-month man hunt (link to real article).

According to the article, Alloa Sheriff Court heard that the mother-of-three was arrested along with friend Ann McCallum, of Delphwood Crescent, also Tullibody, following an 11-day undercover operation involving officers from both Central Scotland CID and the force's tactical crime unit.

While it is a blessing that 30 innocent gnomes will be given an opportunity to return to their lives, friends, families, and loved ones; who know how many more fell victim to the seedy (pun intended) underground trade of gnome-trafficking. Stenhouse and McCallum are reporting trying to strike a plea deal with local prosecutors in return for information that could lead to further gnome rescues.

For the time-being, all we can do is rejoice for the saved and pray for those lost souls still toiling in unknown/unfriendly gardens.

Monkey Fartz Secures Prestigious Search Engine #1 Spots

2007-03-28T05:26:00.000-07:00

Here are the new topics where Monkey Fartz is the #1 Listing! Click to verify:

Thanks for your support! We'll try to keep setting the standard...

Could a Scientologist Really Pull Off an Anti-Nazi Role?

2007-03-27T09:12:00.000-07:00

"Thetans BE GONE!"

Last week, it was announced that outspoken Scientology advocate Tom Cruis would play Col. Claus Schenk von Stauffenberg in an upcoming United Artists project featuring the failed assassination plot against Adolf Hitler Fuhrer.

Everyone hates Hitler, right...and who else better to play the role of Hitler's would-be assassin than someone who has bested aliens, Russian pilots, terrorists, Thetans, the pharmaceutical cartel, and intolerance against fake religions?

According to The Guardian (link to real news article) not everyone is pleased with the selection of Cruis for the von Stauffenberg role. The German war hero's family, which is Catholic, is concerned that Cruise could somehow use the film to promote Scientology.

Despite my thorough research and coverage of Scientology (link to fake news articles), I am struggling to see how this film (which I am assuming will paint the Nazis in a less-than-favorable light) could be used as a platform to promote Scientology's agenda. In fact, it can only serve to expose some of the "church's" more fascist practices as...well...fascist.

If you're new to the Internet, or just need a reminder, here are some of the highlights of the Scientology gag reel (link for more detail):

Battling Free Speech
Locking People Up Against Their Own Will
String of Well-Documented Criminal Activities (link)
Framing It's Critics (link)
Disolving the Family Structure (link)
Grass-Roots Defamation of Critics (link)
Go Here or Here for more...

Hmmm...what other group used these tactics (answer: Nazis)? Von Stauffenbergs: I wouldn't worry about Cruise promoting Scientology with this movie. Also, as Catholics, I wouldn't spend too much time pointing fingers at oppressive Churches that use their influence to promote their own agendas. I'm just sayin'...

The "Dookie" of Windsor

2007-03-27T06:35:00.000-07:00

Definitions of Political Correctness

2007-03-23T05:56:00.000-07:00

Another great definition from our friends at glocktalk.com:

"Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical, liberal minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

Kill Knut. Save the World (trademark pending)

2007-03-21T11:33:00.000-07:00

“Save the polar bears—Kill Knut.”(trademark pending) While I’d buy a t-shirt with that slogan in a heartbeat , any rational (non-German) animal rights activist should find such a mantra reprehensible, right? Apparently not.

While Cuddly Knut may have touched the hearts of millions worldwide and is apparently thriving in captivity, it has been widely publicized that the German animal rights activist, Frank Albrecht, has called for the orphaned polar bear cub’s immediate execution (link).

Though healthy, happy, and in no threat of drowning due to global warming, Albrecht’s death sentence is based on Knut’s care representing a “gross violation of animal protection laws.”

This “kill ‘em to save ‘em” (trademark pending) philosophy seems to have precedent within the animal right community (link). In fact, PETA has a pretty respectable body count going with over 14,000 confirmed kills since 1998.

I have to admit that I am outraged. Why did it take a proposed hit on a cuddly polar bear cub and the rantings of a seemingly crazy German to show me the commitment these groups actually have? Anyone can file lawsuits and wage media campaigns against zoos and pharmaceutical companies guilty of animal abuse. It takes a REAL animal lover to exterminate thousands of would-be family companions and refuge-protected endangered species!

Perhaps Albrecht’s (and PETA’s) plan should be considered for other socially-sensitive areas: foster care, orphanages, mental institutions, prisons…really, the possibilities are endless. Consider how many orphans, criminals, mentally/physically disabled could be spared the traumas of captivity by merciful euthanizing.

But maybe I am being too ambitious and ignoring the immediate opportunity. We can’t change the world overnight, but we can start with a 19 lb. cub. “Kill Knut. Save the World (trademark pending)”.

Landing Gear: Required Equipment or Unecessary Cost?

2007-03-20T11:56:00.000-07:00

Today in Fort Lauderdale a small, twin engine plane made a fatality-free landing after it's landing gear (well...half of it) had fallen off mid-flight (real story).

The crew and passengers, shaken and in need of immediate dry-cleaning services, were able to walk away from the landing unaided.

While not available for comment, Advantair (the manufacturer of the P-180) is rumored to be considering a budget version of the aircraft that does not feature the "redundant" left wheel. Industry insiders suggest interest from Jet Blue as an additional cost-cutting measure.

Secrets the Illuminati Don't Want You to Know!

2007-03-20T11:13:00.000-07:00

Curious about Hedonic Engineering or Guerilla Ontology? Need an answer to you child's question on "Why God made us?" Have science, logic, rational thought, and even basic common sense provided you with little comfort and fewer answers?

If you (or the voices in your head) answered "yes" to any of the questions above, then "The Illuminati Papers" is the book for you!

Painstakingly researched and written medication-free, this book holds the answers to many questions sane people have never even considered.

As an added bonus, the first 100 (non-reptilian) customers will receive a FREE tin foil hat.

Try before you buy here.

The Truth Behind Hillary and Falwell

2007-03-20T10:04:00.000-07:00

Donuts--Is there nothing they can't do?

2007-01-31T05:18:00.000-08:00

Scientists have just discovered a method to infuse caffeine into donuts without any bitter aftertaste (link). This research is a result of a growing demographic that simply can’t wait for the long term negative effects of obesity, tooth decay, and diabetes. This caffeine-infused donut is a prototype for foods that offer both immediate AND long-term health problems.

“Sure, you’ll still get fat from our donuts…but who wants to wait months or even YEARS to see results? With our foods, you’ll know it’s working within minutes when you feel your heart race, start to sweat, and the jitters set in. And this is only the beginning,” said KEF Industries’ spokesperson.

Reportedly, tobacco and alcohol companies have approached KEF Industries with ideas for future products. While we are likely years away beer-claws and bagel-rettes, it’s comforting to know that top scientific minds are dedicated to the cause.

Classic: Excerpts from a Dog's / Cat's Diary

2006-11-02T13:42:00.000-08:00

Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary:

8:00am: Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30am: A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40am: walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30am: Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00pm: Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00pm: Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00pm: Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00pm: Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00pm: Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00pm: Wow! Watched TV with my master! My favorite thing!
11:00pm: Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary:

Day 683 of my captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and myself are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the floor.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.

The audacity! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released --and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded! The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. The captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe....... for now...

Crazy Bar Stools or the Coolest Nuns EVER?

2006-11-02T08:58:00.000-08:00

Gillette Targeted Babies

2006-10-19T09:25:00.000-07:00

Forget about Big Tobacco. Where is the outrage at Gillette's obvious marketing at babies. It's a statistical fact that over 75% of all males alive at the time of this campaign started shaving around 13-14 years of age (two years younger than the average starting age of smokers in the same time period). Is this a coincidence?

First, the personal shaving cartel targeted kids. In recent years they have been systematically increasing the number of blades. Where will this madness end?

Coffins with Baseball Logos

2006-10-18T19:21:00.000-07:00

The Kansas City Star has reported that many crazed baseball fans have said they would die for a championship. But are they willing to take that devotion to the grave? Major League Baseball and a company that makes funeral products will soon find out just how many fans want to be decked out for all eternity in tribute to their team. (Real Article)

Monkey Fartz has an exclusive photo of the Yankees' prototype coffin. Too soon?

More Doctors Smoke Camels...

2006-10-18T07:50:00.000-07:00

Letter from the CEO of Gillette: Corporate Strategy

2006-10-17T14:49:00.000-07:00

Classic from the Onion (link):

CEO and President,
The Gillette Company

Would someone tell me how this happened? We were the fucking vanguard of shaving in this country. The Gillette Mach3 was the razor to own. Then the other guy came out with a three-blade razor. Were we scared? Hell, no. Because we hit back with a little thing called the Mach3Turbo. That's three blades and an aloe strip. For moisture. But you know what happened next? Shut up, I'm telling you what happened—the bastards went to four blades. Now we're standing around with our cocks in our hands, selling three blades and a strip. Moisture or no, suddenly we're the chumps. Well, fuck it. We're going to five blades.

Sure, we could go to four blades next, like the competition. That seems like the logical thing to do. After all, three worked out pretty well, and four is the next number after three. So let's play it safe. Let's make a thicker aloe strip and call it the Mach3SuperTurbo. Why innovate when we can follow? Oh, I know why: Because we're a business, that's why!

You think it's crazy? It is crazy. But I don't give a shit. From now on, we're the ones who have the edge in the multi-blade game. Are they the best a man can get? Fuck, no. Gillette is the best a man can get.

What part of this don't you understand? If two blades is good, and three blades is better, obviously five blades would make us the best fucking razor that ever existed. Comprende? We didn't claw our way to the top of the razor game by clinging to the two-blade industry standard. We got here by taking chances. Well, five blades is the biggest chance of all.

Here's the report from Engineering. Someone put it in the bathroom: I want to wipe my ass with it. They don't tell me what to invent—I tell them. And I'm telling them to stick two more blades in there. I don't care how. Make the blades so thin they're invisible. Put some on the handle. I don't care if they have to cram the fifth blade in perpendicular to the other four, just do it!

You're taking the "safety" part of "safety razor" too literally, grandma. Cut the strings and soar. Let's hit it. Let's roll. This is our chance to make razor history. Let's dream big. All you have to do is say that five blades can happen, and it will happen. If you aren't on board, then fuck you. And if you're on the board, then fuck you and your father. Hey, if I'm the only one who'll take risks, I'm sure as hell happy to hog all the glory when the five-blade razor becomes the shaving tool for the U.S. of "this is how we shave now" A.

People said we couldn't go to three. It'll cost a fortune to manufacture, they said. Well, we did it. Now some egghead in a lab is screaming "Five's crazy?" Well, perhaps he'd be more comfortable in the labs at Norelco, working on fucking electrics. Rotary blades, my white ass!

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe we should just ride in Bic's wake and make pens. Ha! Not on your fucking life! The day I shadow a penny-ante outfit like Bic is the day I leave the razor game for good, and that won't happen until the day I die!

The market? Listen, we make the market. All we have to do is put her out there with a little jingle. It's as easy as, "Hey, shaving with anything less than five blades is like scraping your beard off with a dull hatchet." Or "You'll be so smooth, I could snort lines off of your chin." Try "Your neck is going to be so friggin' soft, someone's gonna walk up and tie a goddamn Cub Scout kerchief under it."

I know what you're thinking now: What'll people say? Mew mew mew. Oh, no, what will people say?! Grow the fuck up. When you're on top, people talk. That's the price you pay for being on top. Which Gillette is, always has been, and forever shall be, Amen, five blades, sweet Jesus in heaven.

Stop. I just had a stroke of genius. Are you ready? Open your mouth, baby birds, cause Mama's about to drop you one sweet, fat nightcrawler. Here she comes: Put another aloe strip on that fucker, too. That's right. Five blades, two strips, and make the second one lather. You heard me—the second strip lathers. It's a whole new way to think about shaving. Don't question it. Don't say a word. Just key the music, and call the chorus girls, because we're on the edge—the razor's edge—and I feel like dancing.

Top 83 Signs You Have a Drinking Problem

2006-10-17T07:46:00.000-07:00

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth
3. Job interfering with your drinking.
4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5. Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusettes.
6. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
8. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
9. Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
10. "Norm!" is what they say when you enter the bar.
11. When you can focus better with one eye closed
12. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar
13. Every woman you see has an exact twin.
14. You wake up to find Windows 95 installed on your machine.
15. If you keep asking your wife "where are the kids?", but you don't really have a wife and you're talking to the refridgerator.
16. You fall off the floor.
17. You discover in the morning liquid cleaning supplies have disappeared.
18. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
19. Had "Spuds McKenzie" tattoo removed, replaced it with "Red Dog."
20. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
21. Beer: it's not just for breakfast anymore.
22. The glass keeps missing your mouth.
23. Bill Clinton starts to make sense.
24. When you go to donate blood and they ask what proof?
25. Vampires get woozy after bitting you.
26. The only drinking problem is not having a drink right now.
27. At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
28. Your idea of cutting back is less seltzer.
29. When vomiting becomes a relief.
30. Having a hard time staying on the side walk - left, right, stumble, fall
31. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom.
32. Barney, that dinosaur is damned funny!
33. You think, Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women.
34. Every night you're beginning to find your roomate's cat more attractive.
35. Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol.
36. Waking up with a traffic cone between your legs.
37. No ocifer, I'm not drunk... you're just sober...
38. Problem? I Drink, I get Drunk, I Fall down....No Problem
39. If on a diet, you cut back your food calories to allow for alcohol calories.
40. Take me drunk, I'm home!
41. The bottle's empty...that's the problem!
42. Find yourself as the captain for the Exxon Valdez.
43. You wake up naked lying in the corner of a bus depot.
44. Roseanne looks good.
45. Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of bottle.
46. You drink to get over a hangover.
47. That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
48. You are the proud owner of a porcelain bus driver's liscense.
49. The Whisky Ain't Working Anymore.
50. Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
51. You have a reserved parking space at the A&P.
52. I'm as jober as a sudge!
53. You consider yourself a workaholic, becuase every time you go to work, you want to have a beer!
54. I slept with that damned pink elephant again.
55. Mosquitoes spiral down to the ground in circles after biting you.
56. Rumsfeld.... he's soooo sexy.
57. You find yourself in a room on a train arriving in Tiajuana and the last thing you remember is being in a bar in NYC!
58. Your name is Ted Kennedy.
59. You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the Fourth of July party in Waikiki.
60. Red dog upside down looks like batman eating a catwoman.
61. You've fallen and you can't/(don't want to) get up.
62. You don't drink. (That's a problem!)
63. when hangovers become an attractive alternative lifestyle.
64. BeerTender! Get me another Bar!
65. Boris Yeltsin tries to get you to join AA.
66. The shrubbery's drunk from frequent watering.
67. Do you take this woman.....
68. You wake up too groggy to come up with anything funny for this damn list.
69. You realize you have shaved your head except for a little rat tail hanging from the top and you're pestering people to buy incense & crap.
70. Your only friends are Jack, Johnnie, and Jose.
71. Double vision so much the norm, you can't function w/o it.
72. You listen to the radio and start dancing to hootie and the blowfish.
73. Because you're not as think you are drunk I am...
74. salt, sugar, grease, carbohydrates - yes, alcohol is the fifth food group.
75. Your favorite drink is ethanol.
76. Why does everybody think I have a prinking droblem?!
77. You can't remember what your family looks like... or if you have a family.
78. You wake up surrounded by 50 dented cases of SPAM.
79. You like SPAM.
80. You get defensive when someone asks if you have drinking problem.
81. Haven't stopped drinking since Carter got elected.
82. I don't have a drinking prob..pleb..prub.. Pash me another, tarbender.
83. You spend a whole night holding up walls to prevent their (your) collapse.

International Implications of Kimchi Abuse

2006-10-12T10:36:00.000-07:00

Was it REALLY a nuclear blast? I think this is a more plausible explanation:

Classic: 5 Stages of Drunkeness

2006-10-11T09:33:00.000-07:00

In our continuing coverage of classic spam humor...

Stage 1 - SMART

This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING

This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people want you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they want you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH

This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you will win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet because s you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF

You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE

This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.

This Car Can "Save Your Marriage"

2006-10-10T12:36:00.000-07:00

I was outraged after reading this ad. What I want to know, Car Manufacturers, is why aren't you dedicated to saving my marriage in 2006? Sure, back in 1967 you guys were all about designing a car that will meet "her every whim".

Groceries? No problem. You gave us cars that would fit 1.5 weeks worth and even gave it a lid that wouldn't crush our weak women. Now we have SUVs that are designed for stupid Soccer Moms carting around their bratty fat kids and their Kool Aid stained friends.

Your growing vehicles and heavy doors forced our women to do pilates and get buff...when they should be getting our food and dropping off our laundry.

I don't HAVE kids...but I still need groceries...and a 1950s wife to pick them up.

Where are you now, MG? and how the hell will my clothes get clean?!? You failed me, Detroit! Boo!

Soul Aids: The Cure for Racist Bandages

2006-10-10T07:47:00.000-07:00

Tired of racist "flesh-colored" bandages? Fight the Power (and infection) with Soul-Colored bandages!

Of course Soul-Aid wasn't available in most stores...it's just another example of Whitey keepin' the brother down.

This ad is from a 70s-era Ebony Magazine...so beware of sending your money.

Big Tobacco: "Kids, Manly Men Smoke!"

2006-10-10T07:01:00.000-07:00

Ahhh...the good old days when Big Tobacco could target children with impunity...and style. =o)

Classic: Hollywood Laws of Computing

2006-10-10T06:50:00.000-07:00

I received this awhile back in one of the -many- received and rarely viewed humor spam emails. It's a pretty funny look at the Laws of Computing...according to Hollywood.

People never have to look at the screen or use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
Super-computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes.
All computer panels (e.g. Star Trek) have thousands of Kilovolts running just underneath the panels. Any Malfunction is indicated by a big flash and loads of sparks, a puff of smoke, and an explosion that forces people backwards.
Some computers slow down the text output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. An optional pip sound can be produced as each letter or line is displayed.
The most technical the equipment, the more (unlabelled) buttons it has.
No matter what format of computer disk you have, it will be readable by any system you put it into. Therefore, all application software in movies is usable by all computer platforms.
Real-time video communication is possible on small hand held devices and small laptops ; also when using wireless modems, the speed of data transfer is always around 3 Gigabytes per second.
Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under 5 seconds.
Whenever a movie character looks at a VDU, the screen image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face.
The internet connects to everything in the movies. You can edit credit records, search hotel registries, lookup police criminal files, search drivers license databases, edit social security files and more just using the internet!
Smashing the VDU will prevent the whole system from working.
You can launch nuclear missiles from any bedroom using an analog modem, but only if you know a single secret password.

Kim Jong-Il: "Hey! We're Still a Threat!"

2006-10-10T06:36:00.001-07:00

Refusing to be upstaged on the world's Top Ten Threats list by Iraq, Al Queda, the Taliban, Iran, Chavez, and E Coli-tainted vegetables; North Korea has ALLEGEDLY conducted an underground test of a nuclear device.

While most analysts believe this is an attempt to resume unilateral talks with the US, North Korean Entertainment insiders believe this may be a press stunt to publicize Kim Jong-Il's new album: "Hey! We're Still a Threat!"

Details are sparce on this upcoming release, but rumors suggest it's a smooth miz of Korean R&B, Hip-Hop, and traditional Chong-Ak.

Tracks Reportedly Include:
1) Word to my Commies
2) Rads and Ho's
3) Get Your Nuke On (featuring DJ Song-Park)
4) Best Thang Nukin'
5) Kim Jong Illin'

Hangover Rating System

2006-10-05T04:47:00.000-07:00

This classic is courtesy of Craig Abelman:

One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare ' floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now...

Mark Foley: "Pity me...I am the victim!"

2006-10-04T06:43:00.000-07:00

In an effort to avoid personal responsibility, former Congressman Mark Foley has spent the last few days casting himself as the victim. Below is the current list of forces conspiring against Foley:

Alcoholism (link)
Clergy Abuse (link)
Left Wing Smear Tactics (link)
“Gay Spin” (link)
Media Feed Frenzy(link)

I’m not sure how these things absolve inappropriate, borderline pedophilic behavior and abuse of power. Which of those items forced him to write inappropriate emails and instant messages to underage pages? Oh, wait...it's easier to blame than to admit fault. This just reinforces my belief that personal accountability and MINIMAL moral standards are absent in politics. Ass.

I Think I'm Waltzing Japanese

2006-10-04T06:06:00.000-07:00

This video of a waltzing robot further proves my theory: The Japanese are Crazy!

Flying Elvis Pelvic Malfunction

2006-10-04T04:15:00.000-07:00

(AP) BROWNING, Mont. A "Flying Elvis" suffered a broken pelvis during the grand opening of the Glacier Peaks Casino here. Paul Moran is a member of The Flying Elvi, a 10-member skydiving team made up of Elvis Presley impersonators, who were hired to parachute into the parking lot at the casino Friday.

Other members of the troupe said the Las Vegas man apparently misjudged the landing and hit the ground at 50 mph.

"I talked to his family (Monday) and they said he is doing well, but he did break his pelvis," said Gary Green, casino manager.

Moran was taken to the Blackfeet Community Hospital and then flown to Harborview Medical Center in Seattle, where he is listed in serious condition in the intensive care unit.

Drunk and Disorderly Bear

2006-10-04T04:11:00.000-07:00

Lyons, Colorado -- Wildlife officers described a bear outside a school as drunk and disorderly.

The wobbly bear was spotted in a neighborhood near Boulder Tuesday afternoon. Neighbors new something was fishy when the animal was having trouble staying on her feet.

Wildlife officers think she over-indulged on fermented fruit. Officers used a bean bag gun to stun the bear, then they tranquilized her. Officers will return her to the wild after she sobers up.

Read More.

Australia's Evil Koala Army

2006-10-03T09:00:00.000-07:00

This week, Australian scientists announced that they were ready to test a contraceptive that would curb a koala population explosion responsible for altering the local ecosystem. According to Forbes, a “device” would be inserted under the Koala’s skin in the same way vets install microchips in domestic pets (real article). Australia MAY be trying to balance the local ecosystem through humane methods. OR, more plausibly, perhaps this is a cover to developing an army of koalas that have been implanted with mind-control chips.

Monkey Fartz has led the charge on uncovering Australia’s evil desire for world domination. Between its cyborg army program (link), role in Steve Irwin’s death (link), stingray coverup (link), and possible contamination of the world’s spinach supply (link); is is so far-fetched to believe they are now building an Evil Koala Army to do their bidding. Look at the facts:

Almost Every Zoo Has Several Koalas
Koalas Are Native Only to Australia
Scientists will be Implanting Koalas with Microchips
Australia is evil and bent on world domination…

…ALL FACTS! We at Monkey Fartz submit that the Australian government is implanting and exporting mind-controlled koalas to create sleeper-cells around the world. Think about it. Who would expect a cute, fluffy koala of subversive paramilitary activity? Forewarned is forearmed. Keep a vigilant lookout for suspicious koalas. Your very liberty could depend on it.

Conspiracy Theories for Morons

2006-10-02T11:42:00.000-07:00

Are you tired of "The Government", "The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy", and "Liberal Media" lying to you? Do you think that the world's affairs are run by a select group called the "Illuminati", "Bilderberg Group", "Trilateral Commission", or the Reptilians? Do you see evidence of cover-ups in even the most mundane events? If so, Conspiracy Theories for Morons may be the book for you.

You, too can defy scientific and journalistic facts in favor of crazy, baseless claims. The 9/11 Conspiracy is childs play compared to what this book will help you create. Conspiracy Theories for Morons contains the following contents for would-be conspiracy theorists:

Chapter One: Suspension of Disbelief--History of Conspiracy Theories
Chapter Two: Use of Circular Logic
Chapter Three: All Critics Must be Part of the Conspiracy
Chapter Four: Misdirection and Outright Fabrications--They Use Them...Why Shouldn't You?
Much, much more...

Order now and get 25 FREE conspiracy templates (incl. the popular 9/11 was staged by the Bush Administration).

Pot Heads Make Bad Criminals & 10 Things Never to Say to Cops

2006-10-02T10:37:00.000-07:00

Police in Cedar Rapids, Iowa may have apprehended the world's dumbest criminal this weekend. When he arrested for having two pounds of pot in his backpack, he told police that it wasn't his...because he had stolen it. (article) The Cedar Rapids Police Department is investigating the alleged break-in to determine if additional charges should be filed.

As a Public Service, Monkey Fartz has compiled the following list of Ten (Other) Things NEVER to Say to the Cops:

10. The gun under my seat is much larger.
9. Wanna buy some weed?
8. What's the statute of limitations for bank robbery in this state?
7. Please ignore the screaming from the trunk.
6. No, YOU have the right to remain silent.
5. I'm not sure how much I drank...I passed out after the 8th shot.
4. She's pretty hot for 16, isn't she?
3. That grenade launcher is for hunting.
2. Do I smell bacon?
1. Please be careful when you frisk me, I don't want to balloon up my ass to burst.

Hugo Chavez: The Voices Have Spoken

2006-10-02T09:53:00.000-07:00

The Monkey Fartz foreign correspondent team recently polled the voices in Chavez' head. Initial results suggest that 8 out of 10 voices in his head also think he's crazy. The other two voices were unresponsive and just kept yelling "El que rompe, paga".

Jehovah: God or ET

2006-09-29T10:39:00.000-07:00

Ever wonder if Jehovah was God...or a little green alien from outer space that came to Earth to teach the primitives values and create a hybrid primate-alien that turned into US? If so, the following ad is for you (oh, and seek psychiatric help, please):

If you respond to this ad, please don't reproduce.

The Difference Between Bush and Clinton

2006-09-29T08:11:00.000-07:00

Yeah, this is linkjacked from YouTube...and the title's a bit misleading...but this is one funny video. Enjoy!

Kabbalah: Summary of Craziness

2006-09-28T18:06:00.000-07:00

Summary of Craziness (in response to criticism about this post):

Klippot (Blockages): Everyone has a direct and clear connection to the upper metaphysical world of the "Light", but that this channel is blocked by Klipot.
I am surprised that the Church of Scientology hasn't sued the Kabbalah Center...this sounds like those pesky Thetans.
Strong Belief in Astrology and Zodiac. 1970 called, they want their New Age bullshit back.
Claims Jesus was a Kabbalahist. I thought the Jews didn't recognize Jeebus as the Messiah. So why would him being a Kabbalahist be a selling point?
All Religions have their roots in the Kabbalah. I think this one is acctualy spot-on. The Kabbalah is based on the belief that people are stupid enough to believe anything...as long as it makes them feel more special than other people.
Sell Kabbalah Mountain Spring Water (link). What use is a religion if you can't make money off it?
Claim: "Just to tell you another thing about the six million Jews that were killed in the Holocaust: the question was that the Light was blocked. They didn't use Kabbalah." (link). Yes...the light was blocked. Funny, I never used Kabbalah and NO ONE has ever asked me to 'get on ze train'.
Video: The Power of Kabbalah (link)
Video: Kaballah, Science, and the Perception of Reality (link)

Kabbalah may be based in legitimate Jewish mysticism, but that's not what the Kabbalah Center is peddling. The fact it's attractive to so many flakey celebrities shows it is merely repackaged New Age shite that is easy for the shallow and ignorant to put in their personal voids.

Kabbalah and Silly Bitches

2006-09-28T13:30:00.000-07:00

The Setup: According to The Mirror (link), fake-religion Kabbalah is not superficial enough for "heir-head" Paris Hilton. In a recent class, Paris was asked to describe a depply spiritual experience. She is reported to have told a story about a "hot guy" (article).

My Take: I will admit that I don't know much about the Kabbalah, but I DO know that it appears to attract silly bitches. Here's a partial list of some famous followers that I think share a common theme (courtesy of wikipedia):

Madonna
Paris Hilton
Roseanne Barr
Naomi Campbell
Goldie Hawn
Lucy Liu
Lindsay Lohan
Courtney Love
Brittany Murphy
Britney Spears
Winona Ryder

So from my initial research, I have to assume that Kabbalah is a spiritual belief system that appeals to whores, drug addicts, vacuous model, horrible comediennes, has-been actresses, horrible/fake singers/dancers, and sexy Asians. I'm compelled to do more research as it is apparent to me that Kabbalah may be even crazier than Scientology.

Bill O'Reilly's Not-So-Startling Confession

2006-09-26T19:21:00.000-07:00

Another Monkey Fartz EXCLUSIVE! Bill O'Reilly's meds must have worn off for a true No Spin moment.

Bushism of the Week

2006-09-26T04:52:00.000-07:00

Courtesy of About.Com:

"I like to tell people when the final history is written on Iraq, it will look like just a comma because there is -- my point is, there’s a strong will for democracy." --President Bush, in an interview with CNN's Wolf Blitzer

GOD NAMES NEXT "CHOSEN PEOPLE"; IT'S JEWS AGAIN

2006-09-26T04:42:00.000-07:00

"Oh Shit," Say Jews

In honor of the Jewish High Holy Days, this piece was resurrected from SatireWire. Enjoy!

"Jews, whose troubled, 10,000-year term as God's 'chosen people' finally expired last night, woke up this morning to find that they had once again been hand-picked by the Almighty. Synagogues across the globe declared a day of mourning." (Read More)

This Just In: Belgium Doesn't Exist

2006-09-26T04:34:00.000-07:00

Zapatopi wants the world to finally be told the truth (full article here):

"The existence of the supposed European country of Belgium has been taken as gospel for years by members of the Liberati. It has long been held up as a shining example of Liberal philosophies in action. However, now is the time the truth be known. Belgium doesn't exist."

Go to the site, become informed, and fight the propaganda!

Tony Blair's Replacement?

2006-09-24T09:22:00.000-07:00

Britain's Prime Minister Tony Blair has been pretty tight-lipped over his successor (real news) While his public answer has been that he's too busy running the country to engage in petty politics, I think there's a much more plausible answer: The US hasn't told Blair who the successor is yet.

The delay is likely due to the difficulty in building a real cybrog. While Australia has apparently perfected the technology, they haven't been forthcoming in sharing it. The picture to the left is based on descriptions provided by inside sources. Is the US building a Maggie Thatcher cyborg to replace Tony Blair? I guess only time will tell.

The Bush Gang

2006-09-22T13:45:00.000-07:00

"Out here, 'due process' is a bullet." ~John Wayne

Intel Imagery Update: Caracas, Venezuela

2006-09-21T18:57:00.000-07:00

Breaking News: TOP Secret Intel Imagery of Caracas Venezuela has been leaked to Monkey Fartz. Our informant insists "this intel update was DEFINITELY not at the request of a senior member of the Administration following Chavez' speech. The timing is TOTALLY coincidental...yeah."

Cheney to Chavez: "Bush Isn't Satan...I AM!"

2006-09-21T16:22:00.000-07:00

Venezvuela's (where?) President Huga Chavez lost his mind Wednesday during his address to the United Nations (video). During his speech, he repeatedly referred to President Bush as "The Devil". Fueled by the initial laughs, he went on to rant that he still smelled the sulfur and brimstone. Click here for the full diatribe. The media has had some fun with this story, so you've probably heard all of this already...and even the Administration's official response (link).

What hasn't been covered by the "REAL" news is the Vice President's response. Dick has been silent to the Press, but insiders report that he's both outraged and a little hurt by the statements contending that "Bush isn't Satan...I AM. Everyone knows that, right?!?" Cheney was unavailable for comment but is reportedly back in Hell with Rumsfeld trying to regroup.

Panda: "No means no"

2006-09-21T11:31:00.000-07:00

In China, a 29-year-old man was attacked and mauled on Tuesday by GuGu the Panda in her crib (link). Apparently, alcohol is to blame...shocker.

The man contends that GuGu invited him back to her place for a little "Bam-Boo". The details are sketchy, but things quickly turned to violence. He claims that he and the "Panda Whore had a few drinks...one thing led to another and...well...you know."

The panda was unavailable for comment and is reportedly in therapy. Sources close to GuGu say they aren't surprised as she "is a tease that will do almost anything for bamboo."

Pope's Joke About Heaven for Muslims

2006-09-20T18:00:00.002-07:00

Here's a Monkey Fartz exclusive!

Headlines from the Year 2009

2006-09-20T08:37:00.000-07:00

We used our time machine (link) to get the following headlines from 2009:

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California .
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the AmericanTerritory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq , Afghanistan , Syria and Lebanon ).
Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica .
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
85-year $758 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.
Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut .
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

EDIT: It has come to my attention that this is SUPPOSED to be for the year 2029. Apparently, the time machine technology is less reliable than we though.

Note: I am not sure who the original author of this is. If you know, please leave a comment and I will cite the source.

Turkey to Pope: "Come to Turkey...but Wear this Hat."

2006-09-20T08:19:00.000-07:00

The man jailed for his assassination attempt against Pope John Paul II has taken up correspondance with Pope B. From TFA (link):

Assassin Mehmet Ali Agca has written a letter from jail telling Pope Benedict XVI not to go to Turkey because his remarks over Islam.

Agca, who was a member of the terrorist cell, The White Wolves, wrote: "Your life is in danger. You absolutely must not come to Turkey.

It came as religious and political chiefs in Turkey, Europe's largest Muslim nation, said they want the Pope's November visit to go ahead.

The Official Turkish Response: "Pope...come to Turkey. Don't believe the hype or outrage. Muslims are a peaceful group. We'll make sure your convertible is well-guarded. Oh, and please be sure to wear the enclosed gift:"

MF Big Brass Balls Award: Thief Steals Court Computers During Trial

2006-09-20T06:18:00.000-07:00

Photo Courtesy of Photobucket.

While it probably did not help prove his innonence, a California burglar wins the Monkey Fartz BIG BRASS BALLS Award. FTA (link):

A man was convicted of various theft charges, after prosecutors say he stole computers from the courthouse while he was on trial for computer theft.

Jon Houston Eipp, 39, of Novato pleaded guilty Monday in three separate cases involving 10 different charges, including burglary, theft, drug possession, attempted auto theft and more.

While the MFBBB Award is prestigious, Monkey Fartz suggests that Mr. Eip not display his award while incarcerated.

1961 Film: "My Baby is Black!"

2006-09-20T05:41:00.000-07:00

The Civil Rights Movement made great strides during the 1960s...but aparently not in France. This 1961 movie trailer sounds more like a horror movie than a piece on racial tolerance. Just another reason to hate the French!

Pope to Muslims: "Read Between the Lines"

2006-09-19T18:54:00.000-07:00

If you liked this, you will also like: This and This

Monkey Fartz Googling Prowess Continues

2006-09-19T17:53:00.000-07:00

Here are the new topics where Monkey Fartz is the #1 Listing! Click to verify:

Thanks for your support! We'll try to keep setting the standard...

Pointy's Daily Bad Karma: September 19th, 2006

2006-09-19T17:52:00.000-07:00

Groups (Possibly) Offended by Posts dated 19 September, 2006:

Please let me know if we missed anyone.

Chinese Penis Rejection

2006-09-19T09:47:00.000-07:00

According to the Guardian Unlimited, the first successful penis transplant has ended in rejection. FTA (link):

“Chinese surgeons have performed the world's first penis transplant on a man whose organ was damaged beyond repair in an accident this year.

Although the operation was a surgical success, surgeons said they had to remove the penis two weeks later. "Because of a severe psychological problem of the recipient and his wife, the transplanted penis regretfully had to be cut off," Dr. Weillie Hu said.”

Ooookay. The facts in this story are funny enough…so below are a list of one-liners and alternative headlines that will suck the funny out in true Monkey Fartz fashion:

In Communist China, penis rejects you.
Peking Dick Now Homeless
At 1cm, Transplant Patient Still Larger than Chinese Average
Dr. Weillie’s Willie Woe
Dead Dick Dumped
Man Rejects Transplanted Penis after Catching it in Bed with Wife
Zombie Wangs

I think that about does it. Feel free to add your own!

Cartoon courtesy of: BoomersFunnies

Man Claiming to be Jesus is Rethinking his Strategy

2006-09-19T08:09:00.000-07:00

Dallas-Fort Worth’s CBS News 11 reports that a South Florida man (Jose Luis de Jesus Miranda) is claiming to be Jesus and “the Son of God” (video link).

This self-proclaimed ‘Son of God’ is a 60-year-old former heroin addict and convict. The divorced father of four was born in Puerto Rico and now lives in South Florida with his second wife and three Rolexes (link).

The Drug Addict Turned Messiah reportedly stated that “the gig was sweet until this whole Muslim thing. What I meant to say is that I am…umm…who’s that Chinese guy? Buddha…yeah, I am Buddha reincarnated.” De Jesus-Buddha was not available for comment due to a “Re-branding Makeover”

Vatican Secret Archives Opened--Document Fabrication Continues

2006-09-19T07:28:00.000-07:00

The United Jewish Council of Toledo reports (link):

“The Vatican allowed access for the first time to millions of diplomatic letters, private correspondence and other documents in its secret archives spanning the 1922-1939 papacy of Pius XI, which could provide insight into just how concerned the Holy See was by the growing persecution of Jews in Europe.”

An anonymous insider stated that “Photoshopping photos and faking documents may be easy for bloggers, but it’s taking us more time than we thought.” The

Vatican

announced that more of the documents will be released once they have been fabricated. Below is an example of why it's taking the Vatican so long...

Joke: The Politics of Inflatable Dolls

2006-09-19T05:43:00.000-07:00

A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"

Customer says, "Female"

Counter guy asks, "Black or white?"

Customer says, "White"

Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"

Customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"

Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up!"

Alternate Punchline #1: "The Muslim one has responds to criticisms of its religion through violence and the murder of innocents and non-combatants."

Crazy Ad: Psychic and UFO Revelations for the Last Days

2006-09-19T05:31:00.000-07:00

For a meager $20 (plus s/h) you too can learn hundreds of (outdated) prophecies on the future of the earth, the evacuation of our planet, signs of the "last days", and more. Learn the Cosmic Prophecis from "The Year Two Thousand"...doh...

That's ok...anyone who would buy this probably doesn't know the year 2000 has already passed.

Pointy's Daily Bad Karma: September 18th, 2006

2006-09-18T18:58:00.000-07:00

Groups (Possibly) Offended by Posts dated 18 September, 2006:

Scientologists
Catholics
Nuns
The Pope
Insurance/Used Car Salesmen
Evil Australians
Red Necks / Conspiracy Theorists
Radical Muslims
Land Sharks

Monkey Fartz #1 on Google...

2006-09-18T17:59:00.000-07:00

...for "Steve Irwin Death Plot" (link) and "Rumsfeld's Soul" (link). Thanks to the dozens of readers who made this accomplishment possible. Undoctored screenshots below:

Tainted Spinach--Part of Australia's Master Plan

2006-09-18T17:17:00.000-07:00

Tainted spinach has been a widely-covered topic in the news recently. From Today’s Wyoming’s Star-Tribune:

“On its way to supermarket shelves, bagged spinach passes from field to packing plant to store, with several opportunities along the journey for it to become contaminated with deadly E. coli bacteria.

This complex chain is making it hard to identify the precise source of the outbreak that has killed one person and sickened at least 108 others around the country.”

Is this simply a case of accidental contamination? That’s what the “mainstream media” would LIKE you to believe. The truth is far more sinister—Australia needs spinach for its Super Cyborg Soldier program (see Monkey Fartz Australia Expose’ More Proof)

It’s a widely-known fact that spinach causes an immediate increase in strength, bravery, and fighting prowess (links 1 2) This could be JUST the boost the Australian Super Cyborgs need to gain the advantage. The photos bleow are believed to have been leaked from within a Super Top Secret research facility:

Need more proof? First, Australia has had ZERO cases of e.coli infected spinach. Second, why is Australia's well-known spinach crop SUSPICIOUSLLY absent from the CIA World Fact Book (link). Finally, any country who would “take out” one of its most beloved celebrities will stop at nothing to reach its goal of world domination. Keep vigilant...an Austrlian Army of Cybrog Popeyes may be coming to a neighborhood near you.

Disclaimer: For those of you who are satirically-challenged, this is not a SERIOUS piece.

Land Sharks--The New Threat?

2006-09-18T12:52:00.000-07:00

The Associated Press reports that scientists combing through the fauna off Indonesia's Papua province said Monday they had discovered dozens of new species, including a shark that walks on its fins and a shrimp that looks like a praying mantis (link to real article).

What was once only an un-funny sketch on Saturday Night Live (link to video) is now a frightening reality. I, for one, welcome our new land dwelling fin-walking shark overlords. Below is exclusive footage (that has absolutely no element of truth) on this threat:

Nun Killed Over Pope's Remarks--Catholics Divided

2006-09-18T10:56:00.000-07:00

In their typical balanced and rational modus operendi, Islamic extremists killed an Italian nun at a children's hospital in Mogadishu (link). One top Islamist source said there was "a very high possibility" the attack was linked to controversy over the recent speech by Pope Benedict XVI which angered Muslims. Angry Muslims? Nah…

The Vatican denounced the violence and declared that used car/insurance salesmen, telemarketers, and Jehovah Witnesses are also beloved functionaries of the Catholic Church.

In the Market for a NEW Crazy Religion? Try Scientology

2006-09-18T10:18:00.000-07:00

In an effort to expand the scope of Monkey Fartz’s offensiveness, I thought I’d take a stab at Scientology. As a reformed Catholic (and current Pastafarian), I thought I was numbed to crazy dogma. In the 10 minutes it took be to “research” Scientology, I found out I could still be surprised at how well religions sell crazy. So, if you’re looking for a crazy religion…why not give Scientology a whirl?

Central Tennets (from Wikipedia):

A person is an immortal spiritual being (termed a thetan) who possesses a mind and a body.
The thetan has lived through many past lives and will continue to live beyond the death of the body.
Through the Scientology process of "auditing", one can free oneself of "engrams" and "implants" to reach the state of "Clear", and after that, the state of "Operating Thetan". Each state is said to represent recovering the native spiritual abilities of the individual, and to confer dramatic mental and physical benefits.
A person is basically good, but becomes "aberrated" by moments of pain and unconsciousness in his or her life.
What is true for you is what you have observed yourself. No beliefs should be forced as "true" on anyone. Thus, the tenets of Scientology are expected to be tested and seen to either be true or not by Scientology practitioners.
Psychiatry and psychology are evil and abusive.

Wow. Judging from how accepting the Church of Scientology is of criticism...wait...is that a black helicopter outside of my window...

Some Interesting Scientology Resources:

Operation Clambake (Undressesing the Church of Scientology)—Link
Cost of Scientology—Links 1 2
CoS Front Organizations—Link
Comparative Look at Scientology—Link

Breaking News: Pope's To Do List

2006-09-18T06:49:00.000-07:00

Crazy Ad: The Wish Machine

2006-09-18T04:40:00.000-07:00

For only (you guessed it) $25 (plus s/h), you too can understand, build, and apply the basic technology of the "Wish Machine"! Here is an actual ad from the wonderful [-ly crazy] folks at Global Communications:

Cav Daily Strikes Back at O'Reilly

2006-09-17T14:46:00.000-07:00

Warning Sign Generator

2006-09-17T14:42:00.000-07:00

Click here to make your own warning signs.

Courtesy of The Generator Blog.

What is Your "Monkey Name"

2006-09-17T14:40:00.000-07:00

Click here to find out your monkey name.

Mine is: Crackpot Knuckle-dragger

Venn Diagram of Women

2006-09-16T14:43:00.000-07:00

From the "Controversial" Cav. Daily Comic's Section (link):

Bill O'Reilly and Censorship

2006-09-16T14:30:00.000-07:00

Bill O'Reilly put the Cavalier Daily "on notice" for two of its recent comics (link). FTFA:

"Drawn by third year Grant Woolard as part of his comic strip Quirksmith, one depicts Jesus Christ crucified on a Cartesian x/y axis, the other shows a nativity scene in which Mary responds to Joseph’s concerns over a 'bumpy rash' by saying 'I swear, it was immaculately transmitted!'"

The cartoons have since been removed and replaced with the following apology from the artist:
Apparently, it is only ok for Bill O'Reilly to make insensitive/hate-mongering remarks like the following:

"We were talking about border patrol and the problems they were having. I'm going, "What's the jargon? What's the jargon? We got coyotes, right? Coyotes and we got wetbacks. Is that what they call them? Is that what they call them?" All right? And the guy goes, "Yeah. The wetbacks are the slang for the people who come over and the coyotes are the slang for the people who get paid to bring them over." (link)

I took some time to browse the Cav. Daily's comics and think it's great that students have a medium to flex their ideological and artistic muscles without reprisal from hypocrites like O'Reilly. Please check out their site and show some support (link to the Cav. Daily Comics). I plan on posted a few I thought were particularly amusing.